I've done a 180, that's for sure. Before, I'd hide from others. I'd shy away and practically run from people I deemed as brilliant or financially powerful. Now, I'm seeking them out! I enjoy engaging conversatations with bright people - and now recognize that we're ALL bright deep down, just some of us have had our intelligence suppressed.
But I love everyone now. I've hidden for so long - knowing all along that it wasn't my true nature - and now the real Jason is available, I want to share him with the world!
Tonight, on that note, I'll be going to my first Toast Master's Meeting in Albany, NY. I can not emphasize how excited I am about this new venture. I'm looking for a platform - not only with this issue but with many others. I just want to communicate, not caring necessarily what the topic is at hand. It doesn't matter as much as it does that I share my ideas. You have to understand, as I mentioned above, I have been repressed for 35 years. So, there feels like a sense of immediacy behind my branching out, similarly to a man getting a new tool for his garage! It's a toy. It's glossy and fun now. This tool, this ability to communicate well now, is fun to use. I'm sure I will settle down soon. But, it's nothing but a positive experience.
My socializing doesn't involve partying either, as with hypomania. It involves discussion and heart to hearts. Okay maybe when it's not the most appropriate time. See, I'm still learning how to utilize this new "tool" (my brain) and when it's the time and place to tell someone about my experiences.
Last night, for example, I contacted a dear friend of mine after over 10 years of not speaking. We'd had a tiny bit of a falling out and I wanted to call her and apologize and take ownership of my responsibility in the matter. I was pretty sick back then and it affected my friendship with two wonderful women and I was feeling regretful. But I know how great of a woman they both are and that they would understand, if only I could tell her.
Well, after 10 years, I called last night out of the blue. And I told her... just about everything... in 15 minutes! Well, I may have bombarded her a bit with info and, if you're reading this dear friend (who will remain nameless) I apologize for my eagerness to reveal to you the truth of my situation. I should have paced myself and talked to you more slowly... over consecutive meetings. If it makes you feel any better, you've helped me to learn this valuable lesson in my new adventure and I'm ever so grateful to you for it. I promise, I'll go slower with the tricky stuff next time. And I hope I didn't scare you away, because I'd love to see you soon - both!
Ah, but such is life... a series of lessons. Some beautiful, others harsh. All important and ultimately worthwhile and, of course, beneficial.
I'm also on Facebook. Those of you who do not yet know me personally, I have to pause and say, "I'm sorry, I'm not yet ready to reveal my last name for you to look up." I'm currently on a role and "coming out" as it were, to all of my friends and family about my diagnoses and this incredible discovery I have made. If I decide, and I'm looking to do this not so ananymously down the road, to publically come out as a Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered individual who may have stumbled on a medical breakthrough, I'd like to give people close to me the respect and opportunity to find out directly from me first. I hope that makes sense to you.
However, if you contact me directly via the comments section of this blog or at my email address below, I'd love to give you more information about me. My email is jasonator32@yahoo.com. This is not a silly ploy to get more comments for my blog. It is, however, perhaps a gentle coaxing for people to begin reaching out to me. I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE AT THIS POINT! I think people are stilling getting over the initial shock of the story, but no one is responding much! This is huge people. It's bordering on a medical breakthrough. It could help millions and millions of people potentially if it is discovered to be long lasting. So, please do not feel reserved. Go ahead. Email me if you're at all interested. I'd love some more friends both professional or otherwise.
Suddenly, I'm reminded of when I felt sick before and intimidated by people due to my social phobia, that if someone mentioned that they were looking to speak to "intelligent" people, as I may have implied above, it would scare me away. I am not an Intelligence Snob. I personally think, as stated above, we are ALL equal. Some of us have more blocks than others but we are equals in this world no matter: socio economic status, race, sexual orientation, handicap (both mental, emotional and physical), gender, religion, and IQ. (If I forgot a group I apologize... tell me and I'll add it!) I reitterate, I LOVE EVERYONE! So please, who ever you are, be my friend. Email me. lol
And have a fun day!
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