Where've I been???

Sorry, everyone. Just wanted to say that I'm alive, and for the most part, well! It's been over 2 weeks with me neglecting this blog and I apologize. There happens to be a lot going on in my life right now that seems to pull me in other directions. For instance, school! I'm enrolled full time into a local college (going for Communications in Technology, by the way) and I just completed my first week. Prior to school starting, the week before was equally busy since I'd had to arrange everything to make sure I was enrolled as a full time student, in time. This was an arduous task that kept me up nights. See, I'd signed up VERY late and there was the chance I might not get in at all! But thankfully, everything eventually worked out, though it was practically the Friday before school began when I'd finally crossed my last T and dotted my last i.

I am, however, a returning college student. This would not have been possible if it had not been for the Resveratrol discovery and Christian's diet. Thank you, thank you! And I have to assert that I've been very strict about taking the pills and eating appropriately. I have to also note, that one day, a couple weekends ago, I cheated on the diet and ate a bunch of chicken! I pigged out in a gluttonous feast! (This was due to the fact that there was a party at the house and this tempting food was everywhere!! I couldn't resist.) Then the next day, I had some friends over who are excellent chefs and they whipped up this amazing dinner that was Glutamate loaded and I'd decided to test. Well, the test failed the next day. I felt like "crappola"!

The good news was the little test, reaffirmed in me that I am on a good diet. It also is a really nice treat to be loosing weight along the way. I'm down to 195. Dagnabit! I was down to 193 prior to that smorgasbord weekend, but the over indulgence actually made me gain two pounds. I also haven't had time to walk like I was before. Gotta do that. Walking is so healthy physically and mentally, as well.

So, I'd better go. School books are calling and their "louder" than a nest of hungry birds! I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by taking 5 classes, so I cut down to 4 which is still full time. I did this due to the fact that I'm also currently enrolled, as I've said before, in the Institute of Children's Literature course online, which is a 6 credit course that takes about a year and a 1/2 to complete. Then, on top of that, is a non-credited course load for Entrepreneurship at the college. It takes place every Tuesday night for a number of weeks. FULL SCHEDULE!!!

There are a few other things going on as well, externally which are affecting me internally, but I will have to get into it at another time.

And to those of you who've been trying to contact me, I apologize if I haven't gotten back to you recently. Things will begin to settle for me once I'm more comfortable with this new life style. Thanks for checking back though!

The saga continues...

Dancing in the bathroom. A strange psychotic episode???

NOOO! I just lost weight!!

Everything is awesome! I just wanted to write a quick note that, after 4 years of trying to reduce my weight below the all elusive 200 pound mark (I'm 6 foot), I finally broke through the barrier today! I actually weighed in at 198!! This is huge for me explaining my celebratory behavior.

You may be saying, "Big deal, it's 2 pounds." Which is true, but what is also true is that invisible wall has been this perimeter that I simply could not get past. My weight, before this change in eating, would "yo-yo" up and down between 200 and 208 pounds. It would hover at 203, then climb the next day to 206, then the next day down to 202, then in a couple days sky rocket to 208, and then crash land down to 200, but never to go below. And then it would start all over again.

Looking back, and I discussed this previously with Christian, it must have been water weight. He'd mentioned that the Glutamate was probably the culprit. Fat cells don't change that quickly. And it looks like it was! Since the new diet, the scale has settled down and rested between 200 and 201. It's done this for the last month, but today, the scale FINALLY dipped down below that invisible barrier for the first time IN 4 YEARS!!! Also my blood pressure has normalized. It used to be high!

It just points to the healthy nature of this diet. I really can't imagine eating any better than I am right now. It's unbelievable how it's changed me mentally, and now physically.

The proof is in the glutamate-free pudding!

P.S. - There's no such thing as glutamate-free pudding. Eat an apple instead.

What other tools do I use in my arsenal against the dreaded condition?

Things are great. Feels good to be able to write that. The food situation is working out spectacularly. I'm eating really well.

I also have to say though that I'm attacking the condition in two other ways. Nutrition seems to go to the root of the problem releasing me from heavy nastiness of the antagonist Glutamate. Resveratrol seems to be helping with this also, by eliminating or lowering the levels of the "bad guy" as well. This is fantastic. Physiologically this stabilizes by thoughts and moods to a healthy, dare I say - more normal (I know... what the heck is normal?) level.

But I wondered what else I could do to assist in the problem. Is there anything else that can be done physiologically to sharpen my mind?

YES - exercise!

So, I'd decided to begin an exercise regimen, albeit a pretty modest one. Now, I'm in decent shape but I could still stand to loose a few more pounds. However, as nice as it would be to achieve my ultimate goal weight, my main desire is to achieve the ultimate in state of mind. In the past, I'd noticed that walking for at least a 1/2 hour made me feel terrific afterward. Therefore, I pulled the treadmill out of the garage, set it up in the living room and now walk at least a 1/2 hour a day. Been doing this for the past week and a half and I love it. I feel immediate results and it really boosts my mood and clears my thoughts.

But to make the walk speed by quickly, without boredom, I do the second important new activity in my mental fitness "program". And that would be reading. I love self help books. I soak them up because I love that they give me useful information and techniques for improving my life in a manner that can be applied immediately. So I am now reading Anthony Robbin's second book (just finished the first - "Personal Power") "Awaken the Giant Within". Not only do I read but I actively apply his simple yet powerful methods to my newly healthy brain.

I do this because, after living with this dreaded condition for so long, I've found that it's left a bit of a jaded residue. I never realized and always took for granted the negative thinking I'd lead myself in daily. I mean, let's face it, when your brain is in a different state or phase physiologically, mentally and emotionally every 1/2 hour (not always, but on average when I wasn't well - even with medication!), I would find myself completely frustrated to say the least in figuring out a way to cope. This has since changed. My brain is physiologically healthier, it seems because of the way I eat, the Resveratrol and the little bit of medicine I still take. (Hopefully there will be a day without the meds all together, but I don't want to rush.) I now have a mostly clear pallet to work on. Even still, though, I noticed that my thoughts still leaned on the negative side.

That's where these books come in and help me to control my thoughts in a healthier, more productive way. It's interesting to note that this is not the first time I've read "Awaken the Giant Within". I did many years ago, with the hope that it alone would fix my problem. It didn't. My brain was so far out of whack, that I couldn't focus or control my emotions and thoughts long enough to effectively utilize the techniques.

Now my story is different! I've got control physiologically. So, I now work to control my thoughts as effectively. And I think it's working well!

"Food Glorious Fooood!" (song from Oliver)

Wow. Am I finding that what I eat specifically and quickly affects the way I feel. In as quickly as 15 - 20 minutes immediately following consuming something, I've noticed my mood changes based on what I ate. It's fantastic! It's exciting! It's unbelievable! Duh! It's what Christian has been saying all along.
I guess I see it with my own two eyes, now, every time I glance at my Diet Diary. This is a little journal I've been taking part in the last couple of days, to monitor exactly what foods produce what feelings and states. I know, this might sound weird, but I swear, it's happening to me and it's powerful.

First of all, let me recap quickly and just say that I've eliminated most of the stimulants from my diet completely. No refined sugar. No alcohol. No illegal drugs of any kind. No caffeine. (Coffee was a toughy but getting rid of it has been amazing - once the headaches ended, that is!) As a result, my anxiety levels are MUCH lower now and my energy is up! Thank the Lord in Heaven!!!
Anyhow, back to the "food, glorious ..." - you know how it goes.
I noticed this morning that I was feeling really good after drinking my whole fruit smoothie that I blend up just about every morning. This smoothie has replaced my usual morning ritual of a cup of anxiety invoking java. And the point is I felt amazing - without caffeine!
So then, something else happened to me a bit later. I arrived at mom and dad's house (the usual location I end up spending the day at, in case dad and I need to work) and I noticed I was a bit frustrated with the computer being slow to start up. On the way over, the early morning show on the radio had a debate that I wanted to participate in. I wanted to email them my response to what they were discussing. So I ran inside and onto the computer, realizing it was off. I eagerly pushed the "ON" button and waited... and waited... and waited. As I impatiently watched the monitor slowly turn on and the windows begin to wake, I became more and more irritated. The show was ending and I wasn't going to get across my point. The computer slowly lagged on a screen, then a minute later another necessary window popped up. I knew there were 5 more to go, each taking a couple of minutes spaced between, meaning... I was going to miss my opportunity to send my message! Dang computer! (Pardon my French.)
I was irritated, obviously. But then I had an idea popped into my head. The sugar in the fruit must have amped me up. I wanted to eat something that would bring me down a bit. I had already heard of the subtly sedative qualities of brown rice. But yesterday, I ate some sunflower seeds and noticed I felt the same thing. They brought me down a bit. Granted, this was a very light but definitely a distinct feeling. (I've become very attuned to the subtlety of my states of mind. I've read before that this may have to do with my social anxiety. It makes you very perceptive internally - actually to a fault, in the past. But now, it's become an excellent tool.)
So, I tried the sunflower seeds and what do you know? They brought me down to a great level again. I wasn't agitated any longer. I felt terrific again.
This is a huge revelation and invaluable lesson. So I will continue today and from now on to take heed to which foods I eat and the affect that they have directly and quickly on my mind. Very exciting for me. A whole new direction!
Just so you know, I've learned that fruit has a gentle upper action. (Probably due to the sugar.) Protein in nuts seems to stabilize or drop down and veggies seem mostly neutral. When I continue to learn more, I'll pass on the info to you, so stay tuned!

I'm baaaaack!

Sorry it took a little bit before I got back to you guys. Just wanted to let you know that everything is so far so good with school. (Yes - I'm planning on going back in the fall - which is only a couple of weeks!) I have everything required in for both schools that I applied to. Just waiting and hoping that the processing doesn't take too long and they bump me back to Spring enrollment. I'll keep you guys posted, though.

Things have been good with the diet but I really kicked it up a notch. I've gotten very serious about it by cutting out meat, dairy, sugar and wheat gluten as well as everything else I had already been cutting. That means I can eat only veggies out of the garden (or frozen), fruit, brown rice, nuts and seeds and possibly some fish. Actually, it makes for a really nutritious, healthy diet! I'm eating to live, not living to eat! I've decided to experiment with it for about 2 weeks to see if that makes any differences. I'm betting it will.

I cut out coffee and alcohol too! No stimulants. It was a rough day after no coffee, let me tell you. I had a nasty headache and was extra sleepy, but apparently that's normal from coffee withdraw. Kind of made me aware that I was addicted to it too, to have that adverse reaction after stopping it. So that made me feel good to recognize that. By the way, it passed and now I feel really good.

As for the mid afternoon sleepiness that I had been experiencing, I gained control over that by taking most of my medication at night. This helped considerably. I then take part of one of my meds around 10:00am with fish oil (that's new!) and the first pill out of 2 of Resveratrol. It seems to be working well for me.

So I'm still letting things play out and experimenting with food, but I'm getting really close to having this all under control. Not bad, considering this amazing change just started approximately 2 1/2 months ago. It's also exciting to know that food has such a big role in our health. I thought I knew before, but really had no idea! I'm also exercising now too and that helps. Instead of grabbing a cup of coffee, I go for a walk on the treadmill or outside.

For the first time in my life I'm really taking care of myself. I should start noticing a change in the way I look as well. I'm eating so healthy now and exercising, I can't imagine that I wouldn't start loosing weight. That'll be fun to watch.

I feel very proud. It's all a good feeling. And for this Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered Social Phobic, feeling good is the name of the game!

No internet service temporarily...

Sorry I've been away but I'll be back shortly!

Sorry I haven't posted as much as usual this last week or so. It's been hectic getting ready for school and, I have to admit, my brain has been a bit off. This of course is due to my meddling with my meds and supplements. See I used to take them at around 9:00 am. I have since switched the time, since I was getting sleepy around 4:00 pm, to the evening. I also must admit that I got a little cocky and tried cutting down a bit on them - not much, just a tad - too much apparently. And then throw this into the mix; I also went to a wedding and literally pigged out on plates of pork! See, the caterer had these delightfully delicious bacon wrapped asparagus appetizers. I tried one justifying that it was "basically" a whole food. The asparagus, of course, was fine. The bacon however - not so much. See, this was a store bought prepackaged product that was undoubtedly laced with more glutamate than I've ingested in weeks. It wouldn't have been bad had I'd eaten 1, 2 or maybe 3. No - I emptied 1/2 the contents of that industrial sized serving tray of Glutamate into my gullet. Could that have been part of the cause to my dumpy mood (first time in quite awhile I must say)? Perhaps.

What ever the cause (I always seek to find it so not to make the same mistakes again), I yesterday and today felt off. What did this look like for me? My head was foggy - memory and thoughts were not as clear. I was pissy and sarcastic. I even felt a tinge of social anxiety coming back at the thought of doing a speech for Toast Masters or even talking with a group of people. In other words, my old crap was lurching back... it felt.

What changed it? This morning I decided to take an extra Resveratrol pill. I already had taken one the night before as well as resorted to taking my originally recommended doses of my previously mentioned supplements and meds. In no time after taking the additional Resveratrol, my head cleared and mood perked up. This makes me wonder if I did have too much residual Glutamate built up in my system from the damned pork gorging incident.

Conclusion? I plan on continuing to take my other pills at night, however, I will now take Resv in the morning and possibly in the afternoon. (I will try to take 2 pills per day now.)

Also - no more pigging out on pig!

(unless it's organic, of course...) ;)

My pivotal moment over the weekend - changing my future's course again...

Wow.

What a thought provoking time I had on my latest trip this past weekend! I’m referring to my conversations with a family member who I had the privilege of getting to know. Now, before my transformation, I may have shuttered at the thought of a full on talk with them in knowing their occasional difficult nature and "rough around the edges" use of opinion. However, they are a brilliant older person who’s had a challenging life. (Obviously I'm trying to be completely anonymous and vague when referring to them out of respect to them.)

Our discussion, though immediately awkward, turned out to be one of those powerful moments in life. I didn't realize it at the time, but now, having thought about it, it seems to be a pivotal moment where I made a decision and have now acted in regards to my education.

Now, keep in mind that this all happened quite suddenly since I'd practically just arrived and this was the first real conversation that I’d ever really held with this person. There was no preparation for the heated discussion except my own internal warnings that it may get a bit stressful. As a result, I was nervous.

So, there we were, on the morning after our late night arrival, sitting in the living room with my mom and dad and the family member I am referring to. They started the ball rolling by asking what I was up to. A simple and standard question yet, as discussed in a previous post, I always sigh and wonder where to begin and how much I should reveal about my current internal adventure.

So I mentioned something basic, that I was applying for positions in customer service at a few local insurance agencies. They seemed interested without being enthralled. I’d also mentioned that I’d like to go back to school, secretly hoping to impress them.

See, I have to fill you in on a detail about this member of our family. I didn't know much about them at this point, but I did know that human intelligence is at the top of his preferential list. Degrees and certifications mean a lot to them. This may be due to the fact that they never acquired a degree (though they would have aced their way right through college if they had) and I wonder if its due to the fact that they always wanted one. This member of the family is very well read and quite astute to the ways of the world.

In all reality, their kids certainly must have felt weight of this drive for intellectual self improvement seeing that they graduated with high degrees from college. It seems like it was a matter of a parent wanting the opportunities they never had for their children. So push them this person did, and, looking back, now I wasn't ready for but about to get the same lesson.

"Where do you want to go to school?" The family member asked bluntly. I didn't know, so I just started talking, mindlessly.

Now before I go any further, in looking back, I have to admit that I was much more antsy and hyper than I’d like to admit with this situation. For someone like this family member who dealt with the symptoms of my condition professionally in their job, this totally must have looked like I was in hypo mania or mania. To their eye, it probably looked like I was really up. This was a good observation and a good hypothesis, but... it was wrong. I was actually nervous. Doesn’t matter. It was a lesson in itself as to how careful I have to be to not allow this hyperactive state (coffee and situationally induced) trick or fool people into thinking I’m manic in any of it’s forms. My brain naturally runs much faster now than it has in the past. But with coffee, it really runs. So it’s an easy mistake to make - easy, but still wrong.

So here I am, hyped up on coffee and, oh... just a tad anxious about impressing my difficult to impress family member who I really didn’t know.

So, I continued to babble away. “I really want to go back to school because I have my Associates Degree from JCA from back in 1997 but I’d really love to have my Bachelors and Masters, well actually, my Doctorate – and this is due to the fact that I want to be a life coach or executive coach some day and help heal the world – but first I have to get my degrees and go back to school and that will be after I apply to all of these jobs and get at least one full time position and…” blah, blah, blah. (I wasn't that bad but for entertainment purposes, let's pretend I was because it apparently was what I seemed like to my family member. I was acting like a babbling, idiotic, hyperactive child with all kinds of dreams and no basis for reality.

They called me on it. "What are you doing about it now?"

I stopped, then responded just as fidgety, "Well, I haven't done anything yet about school but I'm looking into taking an online course for writing children's books and then I'll take an online program for life coaching and -"

They interrupted, "Why waist your time with that? It won't apply to a degree."

I defensively said that, "I think it will but it's more important that I acquire the knowledge learned rather the credits earned."

In turn, they basically said, "It's useless."

I was dumbfounded. I resorted to, "I'm not sure what you think about this but I'm planning on being a motivational speaking, children and adult authoring, life coach-"

"I don't care," they dropped. "I would never go to you as a life coach. You haven't lived yet and don't know anything. And you aren't a good listener."

Okay. This struck a nerve. But rather than get defensive and upset, I started learning something here. First of all, if I was anything, I knew I was a good listener. But I had to agree I wasn't being a good one at this point and since they and I were talking for the first time, of course they had no reference other than how I was immediately behaving. What they really seemed to be saying is that I was babbling on and not listening to them. But I also was seeing my family member's ambitions for a degree and their desire for a person to have one - possibly so they could see them as a complete person - tested, proven and ready for the world. But I also saw a little lack of understanding about being a life coach. It's a common misconception that life coaching is about having particular experience and knowledge. While this is partly true, you could never have all the experience required to answer every question for a life coach client. So its more about guiding people in a positive direction to deal effectively with any goal they may wish to achieve. But my family member did have a point that I didn't have much practical knowledge of the world. However, what they didn't know is that I had tremendous personal experience with conquering my mental illness - one of the worst mental illnesses in human kind.

More importantly though, I was beginning to read a different body language from this person. There were speaking very slowly now and deliberate. I knew they were trying to slow me down. So I responded by doing just that.

I also knew it was time to come clean about what I did know.

"Family member" (I know, that's weird to call them "family member". Ok, let's give them an androgenous name like... Pat.) has anyone in the family told you about what has been happening to me lately?"

"You tell me."

I filled "Pat" in and they listened for a time carefully. Then "Pat" said, "How old are you, Jason?"

"35."

"Do you realize," they gently now said (I'd won some respect from them apparently now that I matched their speaking pace and informed them of my inner accomplishments), "that if you go for your Bachelor's and then Masters at a part time pace now, you'll be over 40 by the time you complete your degrees and then you'll be competing with 25 year olds for the same jobs?"

"Pat" was right. (I told you they were smart.)

"Can you go to school full time now?"

I thought I could. Financial aid should really help considering I have no money. So I nodded.

Speaking slowly and softly now, "Pat" assured me that I should really take that into consideration. They also mentioned I should act now, get up in the morning, write a list for the day that works toward that ultimate goal of a degree. With this, I then realized they were a very pragmatic person. It was one of many things I would learn from them that weekend.

And from then on, a shift had taken place. I completely changed the way I communicated with "Pat" - from nervous and jerky to calm and quiet, and what a difference it made in our talk. They blossomed as much as I. Both of our walls dropped. The communication just flowed, mostly from "Pat", mind you now, but it was ripe full of information. Information about my future and the ways they believed I could make it successful.

I have to admit I didn't blindly follow all of it. "Pat" really thought I shouldn't bother helping people who might be in similar situations as me and thought I should be a teacher. I listened but silently disagreed. The way I currently see it is I have a bit of knowledge that may (or may not) help someone. So I really can't on good consciousness hold it in secrecy when I know that there could be at least one person similar to me who might be able to get healthy. If I can help one person to change the way they eat and take a simple supplement pill and as a result get well from mental illness and not hurt themselves or another person, then I think that it is worth it.
But in that vein, I have to say that I agreed with "Pat" (that new name cracks me up). See, a teacher is exactly what I want to be as a motivational speaking, children and adult book authoring, life coach.

But you know what? Right there was a great example of one of the lessons that "Pat" had taught me. They said that I should listen to people quietly and think about it over time. I just did. And I came to my own conclusion. I guess we should all listen a little more to each other.

I learned so much from my family member that weekend, but most importantly, I learned that I enjoy them and I think they enjoyed me. We really bonded.

So, in new Jason fashion, at the end of the weekend, I actually came out and told "Pat" that I appreciated their letting me get close to them. Now, they were probably taken back a little bit that I would say something so awkwardly intimate. As a result, "Pat" said nothing. They didn't need to. See, I think I was teaching them a little something about human relationships. Perhaps they were taking their own advice and thinking on it.

Just a reminder to all that check out my blog...

1 - Thank you again!

2 - I'm heading out today for a trip to upper upstate NY to visit dear family that I've become (thanks to the makeover) newly close to. Can't wait!

3 - I will bring my computer with me and barring that there is internet service (I believe there is) I will blog throughout the weekend!

Gotta get ready now but we'll chat soon!

Another trip tomorrow... where is all of this taking me?

Just so you know, for those of you who happen to be following my blog (thank you, thank you, and thank you!), I will be heading out on the road again Friday for the weekend. Depending on internet availability, I will try to blog while gone. Sorry I didn't indicate that I'd left a couple of posts ago, before my first trip. I accidentally left you all hanging. I apologize. Still learning blogging etiquette I guess!
So yes, I'm venturing out into the world with these trips! It's exciting and so different from the pre-Glutamate days (that includes the new diet and the first time I'd taken Resveratrol - which lowers Glutamate). This change has altered me in about every way you can imagine, except my heart and soul . Actually, I take that back. I think I'm able to even love more now than I could before, considering how preoccupied I was by simply trying to privately manage ALL of my horrendous symptoms. They are gone now. I've been released on good behavior. It appears my sentence is through. Thank the Lord in Heaven, I can honestly say now, that I thank him for the time served and of course the ending of it! (That is genuine gratitude to God - which my belief in has also quadrupled.) I've learned so much!
So what does God want me to do now with this knowledge? What does he want me to do with my new, improved mind? Let's face it. I'm taking little weekend trips to visit friends and family, but this whole adventure is the real trip. And what is my destination? Perhaps WHERE I end up isn't important; it's the venture that is. There is a famous quote which echoes here in my mind. I'm certain that is true, but I still can't help but wonder what lies ahead of me in my future.
I've come to an understanding about myself in the last few days that I want to share. First of all, I've applied and been accepted to the Institute for Children's Literature. This is exciting to me since I've always wanted to write for young people. This is also exciting since many people have been denied admittance to this school apparently.
See, I have these characters that I believe could be very helpful to kids who are dealing with emotional problems that they don't understand. I'll get into that little world I've been working on in another post.
So I'm starting a prestigious writing course after being tested by the Institute and passing. This makes me feel that my writing skills have potential. This obviously, makes me happy. I have a lot to say now. Communication is the art form of choice for me. Interestingly, my partner said that they miss my desire and ability to make art. What I'd like to say is that I still want to make art. I think I always will. But, now, it's in a different form. It's the art of communication that is sooo important to me. And writing, or course, fits right into it! I want to write for adults as well children. This course will help me refine my skills all the way around.
I've also interest in speaking - publicly. I've enlisted in Toast Masters and about to enroll in another course specifically for making a living at speaking. This excites me to no end.
Third, I've always naturally been a counselor at heart. Back in the day, had I not felt ONLY secure in isolating and protecting myself in my visual arts, I'd have become a therapist of some sort. Now, visual art does not hold the interest or safety that I needed before. It was a coping tool. (I feel safe all the time now.) My interest in helping people, however, is powerfully strong - stronger than ever. At times in my previous life, I'd think I'd wanted to become a life coach. Now... I KNOW I want to become a life coach!
I see a vivid and powerful future for Jason as these interests work together beautifully, hand in hand to form: a motivational speaking, children and adult book authoring, life coach! It's all about communicating all that I have learned on this adventure and helping people improve their own lives, filling them with hope for a powerful future - one that I now am personally heading toward myself!
And for my future and this farm that I currently live on... the seeds or ideas have been planted. I'm watering and fertilizing my ambitions by educating myself via online and in-class courses. Every day that goes by, I weed my old needs that just don't seem to apply any longer. My new sunny disposition and ambition seem to be the light fodder necessary to make my dreams grow. And soon enough, it will be harvest time. I will reap the financial but most important, emotional rewards of such a healthy bounty.
This is my internal garden. This is my new life's farm.
And externally, living on an estate with barns, edible plants and adorable animals, I did not realize until now the amazing parellels in my mind and physical life. I even thought for a moment it was time to leave the rural lifestyle, as healthy and wholesome as it is, to explore the world. Maybe in some way, I will. But I'm now understanding that I can have both - exploration and growth, and a stable, healthy home.
So it's important to move slowly, as I was reminded by my own counselor yesterday. As much as the rapidly advancing teenager inside me (I was just a preteen only a month ago!) wants to rush out and make up quickly for all the lost time, it's important that the "soon to be" adult in me lessons the child about the benefits of patience.
To my partner I say now, "I'm not going anywhere." The home we built is secure.
As Dorothy indicates to in the Wizard of Oz, all she ever wanted to find is right there waiting for her at her humble abode... and me with you, because, after all is said and done, "there's no place like home." I love you.

Came back from vacation to a job interview!

Don't have much time to blog right now (actually someone mentioned that my posts should be shorter, so I'm working on that!), but I wanted to quickly fill you in.
I went on a fantastic trip to Connecticut to visit a friend of mine this past weekend. It was effortless and amazing to realize how capable now I am at being able to get up and go to some "distant land". That cracks me up thinking of Conn. as some foreign space to venture to. It's really not far at all. The point however is that to me, it is leaps and bounds further than my old self would have felt comfortable going.
Not now!
I had the time of my life and learned things about my new self every step of the way. I learned that it is possible to travel and maintain a strict "mentally healthy" diet. I learned that my ability to learn and remember where I was going is soooo much stronger than before. I learned to feel confidence with my new found intelligence in trusting my own decisions. I learned that I'm getting comfortable being on camera.
What? You say. Yes. Quickly, I stopped at a gas station where they happened to be filming for a news cast about gas and was asked to be on camera. I excitedly said, "Sure!" The news caster interviewed me briefly and though I felt the normal butterflies, I communicated clearly and was even a little funny. She thanked me and told me I'd be on. For your info, it was in Springfield, Mass. and the station was News 22. Just another exciting moment in my new life.
Last thing to tell you is that I now have to get ready... for a JOB INTERVIEW!!! I am soooooo excited about it. I can hardly wait. This of course has NEVER been the reaction I'd normally have felt in the past. I'd be so scared and nervous, it would be out of control. Now, I am filled with happy anticipation.
And on that note, I must be gone. Keep your fingers for me. This is of course a whole new chapter, starting the end of my disability into finally having a real income!
By the way... thanks for reading!

Things are great with me and my dear friend who's blogging about her own metamorphosis...

What a weekend! The Fourth was Fantastic... all because of my change, I have to say. To give you an idea as to how great I feel, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol during the big party at the Plaza in Albany for the fireworks. Usually, I'd be downing at least a few beers throughout the long celebration (we arrive at 2:00pm and don't get home till 2:00am!) In those situations, and being surrounded by heavy drinkers and drinking, I'd have been inclined to down a few myself in the past.
NOT THIS TIME! I'm feeling so terrific, thanks to Resveratrol and Christian's low Glutamate diet, that I don't NEED alcohol to eliminate my social anxiety because it's gone! I didn't need spirits to lift my spirits. I was sooo proud of myself. (P.S. - alcoholism runs in my family, too! I'm a mental illness smorgasbord!)
But not now!!
Okay, maybe a month from now things will sink back to my old illness ways, (of course I have to concede to that possibility) but right now, things are fantastic. And I seem to have resolved the sleepiness issue by cutting back on the Resveratrol by half. I improved further by, as I indicated earlier, changing my actual diet to include NO FOOD ADDITIVES of any kind - whole foods only!!!
Now I guess for me to be absolutely pure about it, I should eliminate all protein from my diet for a few days, like a fast, as Christian indicated. But I'm going to try to exercise some restraint from diving in again too fast as I usually do and just to start slowly (at least by my quick standards) cutting out the unnatural, added Glutamate. The natural Glutamate in my diet, will hopefully be taken care of by the Resveratrol. Gotta pace myself.
BUT THANK YOU CHRISTIAN! I really feel a difference. It's absolutely amazing because now I feel like I can actually see a source to my old misery. What I mean by that is this:
It was told to me by mental health professionals that I would always be afflicted with this condition. I agreed to that to a point. See, from what they knew, I would always be Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered and be completely dependent on their best known remedies: Pharmaceutical Medications. As helpful and appreciative as I am to these drugs and this help, I knew that it was just "emotional Tylenol" at best. It didn't cure anything or heal anyone. It just mechanically filled in the bio chemical gaps that my own brain was producing. Well, for that, thank you modern medical technology.
But, ironically, the Modern Technology part of that title, now holds suspicions for me. I now see an accidental role by modern food technology in my condition in the first place. These newly scary additives in food that most of us Americans eat, may have a responsibility in my mental health. See, if I was genetically predisposed to be Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, it MAY be due to the fact that my mom ate all this synthesized and modified junk in her food before I was born. This could have damaged me genetically when I was being formed. (BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT MOM!!) Then I grow up eating it as well and it begins accumulating in my system. When my body stops maturing physically at 24 or so and coupled with my own consumption of excess glutamate (I really think I was addicted to it's taste because looking back I've always craved ALL foods full of Glutamate and MSG!!), the predisposed genes mixed with the large volume of MSG eaten culminating into the mentally ill mess that I WAS.
This is not a conspiracy theory. It's just a layman's hypothesis based on my sudden health due to the changes made by my diet and my discovering Resveratrol's positive role in my own mental health. (As I mentioned in my recent post, Resveratrol seems to drop Glutamate levels in the brain and blood!)
This is ALL wonderful because, by changing my diet, I change the illness and take away it's ability to affect me. This "news" in of itself makes me happy. It's all theory, but the theory seems to be backed up by personal, anecdotal results.
So I continue to be having a great life...

and so is my friend from Grammar School who just had surgery for weight loss. She just came through to the other side of surgery a few days before and she's doing well! This is immensely important to me, not only because I was concerned for her and want her around as long as possible, but because her and I go way back. We were struggling kids with our own problems who bonded back in the day. I knew of her problems, she didn't know of mine, until just recently but we struggled together none-the-less.
And here it is, at the wonderful age of 35, we are both changing in the ways we both wanted and, interestingly, we're BOTH blogging about it, even before the other one knew that the other was blogging too!
Now, last week, I was at the school where we'd both gone, in the gym watching my 6th grade niece graduate on to 7th grade. Her class was singing "You lift me up" by Josh Grobin and I could not contain my tears. I was looking at her, all the while looking at me at her age. The struggles, the pain, the heart ache, that I felt everyday then, all came rushing back to me. My heart cried...but in triumph. Here I am 25 years later. I... we, Bec... survived it all. And now I "feel" the real me... and you will soon "see" the real you. We can live true to ourselves for the first time.
I can't believe it's taken this long to say it but I'm so thankful I can considering so many that can't... our lives ARE good. I tear up now, but they are beautiful tears pondering a beautiful moment in our personal history. I share it with you Bec. Thanks for being here with me. I love you.

I met a new ally on the road to discovery and perhaps more answers...

Christian Bonanno. (He's braver than I am... I have yet to disclose my last name!)
I found that Christian also has a blog that you have to check out! http://glutamateandhealth.wordpress.com/
One of the many cool things about all the terrific information on his blog, is that he has been posting for OVER two years now! He's had lots of long term experience with Bipolar Disorder and Resveratrol. This was a tremendous relief to me.
Let's face it, in all of this fantastic journey, with all it's wondrous new experiences, the constant underlying concern on my part with my mental illness that nags at me is , "Will it all come to an end?" Will my joy get defeated by the "forces" of Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder (remember, it's both half Bipolar and half Schizophrenia) - a condition which has plagued and shaped my brain and life for the last 35 years. It seems that it would be almost impossible to have been influenced by such a powerful illness for so long and then to suddenly be symptom free - a reality I always dreamed of but to this day, fear it to be too good to be true. So as a result, I wait for the "shoe to drop" and for the condition to come rushing back in all it's terrifying aspects.

And then I come across Christian.
He's a survivor of mental illness and a major player in mental health discovery game. He has successfully navigated his life through "the ring of fire" as I like to call mental illness and, based on his own ingenuity, discovered a way out of his Bipolar! Not by doctor recommendations either, but by sheer inner strength, creativity, research and intellect, he found answers for himself. I could relate to his driven passion and am inspired by all of his accomplishments in the last two years. He's a new role model to me. We may not have the same diagnoses, but we're of the same mind!

As you will see in his blog, his emphasis is on Glutamate and it's probable role in Bipolar Disorder. He feels, and this is backed by many new scientific studies now (probably because of his blog) that excessive amounts of Glutamate in all it's forms could be the cause of this mental illness. As a result, he's committed himself to a strict Glutamate free or reduced diet and has been able to successfully manage his symptoms WITHOUT MEDS by doing so!
"Wow! But where does Resveratrol come in?" you ask?
Christian found that Resveratrol actually seems to cut down on the Glutamate levels in the body and brain. It's one of a number of supplements that do so. So coupled with reducing the intake of Glutamate and then the addition of the Resveratrol, he was apparently able to reduce the negative affects of his awful disease.
So as you can imagine, and in true Indiana Jase fashion, I was so inspired by his findings that I've now decided to radically change my diet! This is a challenge for me - as it would be for any MSG (Mono Sodium Glutamate) addicted individual. See, this stuff is hidden in almost everything, especially processed food which, let's face it, is America's staple!
What is it for? MSG is a food additive which basically enhances taste. It tricks the tongue and nervous system into "thinking" that the food being consumed has more substance than it does. That's why so many food manufacturers want and include it in their products - people feel satisfied with the sensation it creates. They like it!
But knowing this, now there are a ton of things I don't want to eat, based on Christian's new diet. You've got to be curious as to what I can and cannot now consume. Well, I want to include a list, but it would be a blog in itself. Also, I'm obviously completely new to this. Therefore, I will let Christian be the expert on the diet itself. Refer to his site to get more info about it, if you're interested.
I can tell you loosely, from my current understanding, that it consists primarily of fresh fruit and vegetables and very little meat. Sounds very healthy doesn't it, eliminating all that processed junk from fast foods and microwaved meals? It is! But it's also hard... on your stomach apparently!
Oh ya, after eating a ton of carrots and baby spinach yesterday, my stomach rebelled! It was screaming, "Where's my meat, grizzle and MSG???!!" I simply responded by chomping on another carrot.
You don't want to know how IT responded a couple hours later! (The toilet hates me now.)
After a night of stomach cramps, indigestion, nausea, gas, bloating and other unmentionable stuff (how's my sales pitch going so far?), I awoke... to the same thing!
But in defense of this amazing possibility and in all seriousnous, here it is 11:00am and I must confess I feel much better - emotionally and, yes, physically too.
I simply jumped too fast, which Indiana Jase tends to do in these adventures - at the exciting opportunity to further his quest. But now, I'll just back up a bit and slow the pace by introducing and, over time, transitioning from MSG ladened food to the good stuff!

On a quick side note, I had more energy yesterday after dropping down to one pill of PURE's Resveratrol. I mentioned in my last post that I was going to do this to counter the apparent excess of Adenosine (a sleep enducing neurotransmitter) in my brain brought on by a dose of Resveratrol that might have been too high for me.
Just a theory, but it did seem to improve my state quite a bit. As I said, I was much more alert! So hopefully the effects of that "bump in the road" have passed. I'll of course, keep you posted about the "many" potential future bumps that lay ahead!
In the mean time, have a fantastic day!

Adenosine! Is this the answer to my sudden sleepiness?

Go ahead and ask... "Jason, what the heck is Adenosine?"
It's okay, I had no idea it existed 2 days ago, but I'm starting to wonder if IT is the cause for my 1:00pm to 7:00pm lathargy.
Yes, I've been experiencing this, as indicated by my last posting - overwhelming drowsiness around that time each day for the last 3-4 days. As you can imagine, it's been a bit concerning. This kick I've been on, seems to have been thwarted by some unknown agent.
Perhaps unknown...until now!
Yesterday, in my quest for answers to this new quandary, I explored many medical sites, stumbling on a NEW study done with Resveratrol and Adenosine. Apparently, in rats, it was discovered that resveratrol increased the availability or the production of Adenosine. This is exciting... which is ironic considering Adenosine makes you drowsy! (bad joke)
But I have yet to answer your question... what the heck is it?
Adenosine, as far as I now know, is a neurotransmitter, amongst other things, that promotes or encourages sleep! It is theorized to be associated with REM sleep as well. Now, I'm not sure if I filled you all in on my sleep lately, but my REM has been incredible. My dreams are like movies now - vivid and exciting.
But sleep is the name of the game for me since, at this stage in my personal experiment, that's all I want to do at that specific time of the day! Caffeine has been found to help, but it, now I understand, inhibits or blocks the action of Adenosine!
So, in other words, Resveratrol SEEMS to be increasing the amount of Adenosine in my brain. This causes me to get very sleepy at a specific time after taking my pills. The sleepiness slows my thinking ability, as it does with most humanoids (and rats, apparently!) and this causes me to "worry" that everything that I've gained in the last month and 1 week, is getting ready to be lost. So my anxiety elevates.
This is my new Hypothesis!
So, what am I going to do about it?
Well... I'm thinking that the Nitro 250 may be too powerful for me and my sensitive neuro receptors. I'm going to go back to the original pill I'd taken in the beginning, Pure's Resveratrol Extra. I'd love to keep taking the Nitro 250 (I think it's more consistent) but you can't cut the pill in half. So, I think I will start to just take one pill instead of the two of Pure and work my way up again.
I've gotta go but I'll keep you posted!

All good adventures have tense moments. Yesterday was one of them!

I've been referring to this whole mental health quest as a journey or better still, an adventure. I'm not trying to sensationalize it more than it is, but let's face it, if there happens to be truth to what is happening here - if I stumbled across some sort of (oh, dare I use the word) "cure" for Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, or Bipolar Disorder (believe me, the verdict is not anywhere near to being out yet and I'm not stating that I have - just being hypothetical here.), then that's SENSATIONAL! It is exciting beyond belief, for the victims of the illness (both patients and the people who may have been affected by someone with these conditions) and society as a whole. We need to make our world more well, any way we can. The countless stories of people hurting each other, that afflict our country and beyond, do not all stem from mental illness, but it is influenced negatively by it anyhow.
So, yes, for entertainment purposes in this blog and to simply lighten a very heavy topic up, I will continue to call this an adventure that I'm on. My point in mentioning this is that, ALL good adventures are not rosy and happy every second. To be an adventure, you have to have suspense, drama and moments where you are not sure if the main character will make it or achieve his/her goal of acquiring what he/ she is seeking out.
In my adventure, which is unfolding as we speak, I am not Indiana Jones but Indiana Jase on the most important crusade of his life. This particular journey does not, however, have me traipsing all across the world to exotic locations. No, my exploration is one into the inner realms of my own brain and imagination. My goal is not to discover the riches of a society long forgotten, but one of uncovering health and mental wealth for our society as a whole. This is not a story about diamond mines, but one of crystal... crystal clear thoughts and emotions.
I finally have a label and title for the adventure that I'm on. It just popped into my head, which it is based on. And it is this... this adventure, this story, my life will now be referred to by me as:
The Adventure of Indiana Jase and the Quest for the Crystal Mind!
Ridiculous? A little. But fun and light? Yes.
Anyway, fantasy aside (no, not delusional fantasy, this is all in good fun!), yesterday was a rough day for this "adventurer". The day started out just fine. I was practically skipping to the barn, feeling great after waking up early, as usual, around 5:00am. (I go to bed around 9:00pm)
The day continued to be well for me till around 9:00am. I was working on the computer, emailing some information to the media (which by the way, has not gotten back to me yet. I'm sure it will take some time.) when the Internet started reeking havoc. It was frustrating to say the least, as I attempted to correct the problems (emphasis on plural). It was completely situational but my own buttons were being pushed and I found myself getting angry - after an hour of cyber struggles! Granted, ANYONE would have been upset, no matter their diagnoses or lack there of, so I certainly have to give myself some slack here. It wasn't like I was irritable for no reason - which often happens with this condition. No, this time it was based on an external force - a frustrating computer.
So I experienced that sensation of irritability, but it passed once the issue was resolved. I also want to note that what I was doing was important. I was trying to communicate with the press what is happening to me. And that seems to be a newly sensitive issue for me. I love speaking and writing and expressing myself now to other people (remember, I used to hate that). Now, it's become a passion. So when I feel blocked in a way and I can't get through to people what I want to say (like the computer fails to send properly my information to CNN) then I get frustrated.
Looking back today, I really think this is part of my new normal. I may be on the Quest for the Crystal Mind, but I'm Indiana Jase (God that sounds silly), NOT SUPERMAN. I'm not going to be perfect every second of the day - Resveratrol or not. This is a challenge to accept and I'm getting better at it.
Anyhow, that started my day. But... what really concerned me, however, was what happened later! (Feel the suspense building?) I celebrated my brother's birthday with some family and friends for lunch in Albany. I began noticing how sleepy I was getting while eating. My conversation and thoughts were getting slower. I was getting quiet.
By the time we were finished and began our drive back home, I was almost lethargic. I kept getting more and more tired! It affected my driving, too. I happened to have a whole car load of very important people to me in the van. At the time, I didn't realize how sleepy I was, but boy, did I wake up fast when I accidentally pulled out in front of a car at an intersection! It was fine it turned out. Everyone is fine, thankfully. No one got hurt, but my pride, it took a beating. It shook me up to say the least. And I was embarassed.
What ever this "crazy" sleepiness was, it had almost affected all of us. (Remember, this is all still VERY new to me. I'm not experiencing the same brain negatives and positives as I used to - my brain with all it's new wonders, also has new "not-so-greats", like this excessive sleepiness. I'm learning about it and how to deal with it. Also learning to not drive while experiencing it!)
Well, you're probably saying, "Why on earth were you driving, anyway, if you were so tired?" Good question. I can only answer that is came on very quickly, most of it WHILE I was driving. Hopefully it'll make you feel better knowing that I learned my lesson quite quickly. A few moments after the "Incident at the Intersection", I dropped off my dear friends at their car. But more importantly I had my brother drive from that point on to my parents. I proceeded to, safely tucked away in the back seat of the van now, go to sleep. And I slept for the rest of the way to their house!
Once there, I noticed that I had just missed my ride back home. Mom would be driving past the farm anyhow, so she drove me there. Again, still overcome by this sleepiness, I curled up and caught some Zs all the 20 minute trip. THEN, I fell back to sleep, home safe and sound, for another 1 1/2 hours! That's approximately 2 1/2 hours total in naps alone!
I woke up, grabbed a little coffee, which usually brings me right back, but was dissappointed to recognize that it didn't this time. I was still kind of lethargic. So, I fed the animals, went back in and called some friends to test my slower mental speeds (I was concerned. Of course the thoughts going through my slow head were, "This is it. The ride is over. Back to my old reality...")
And, on the phone, I wasn't quite able to keep up to my fast talking close friend (no names on this blog) and I accidentally messed up and mentioned food to a dear friend who is going through a gastric bypass today, as I type! This was not the most "thoughtful" thing because she had to practically starve till the procedure took place today. (I have to say to her, now, "Sorry! I wasn't quite my usual "new" self when I was talking last night!")
And that's the point that I was concerned about. My thinking was slow and my anxiety level was up a bit. It started to feel like old times - and not in a good way...

To make an already long story short, I started feeling better later on in the evening after I ate. And much to my excitement, I awoke this morning back to "new" normal!!!! YES!! Thank you God! It passed!
I'll keep you posted of course, but... what happened, my experience yesterday, is something to keep an eye on. For your info, (which this all is!) I did go through a similar "hiccup", after a week and a 1/2 on Resveratrol. It was VERY similar, but, thankfully, passed as well!
Well this is a very long post. I'll end it now.
It will hopefully be one of few, but occasional dark moments in the Indiana Jase's Quest for the Crystal Mind.
I know, cheesy... but it is fun! And one thing I've learned on this quest is that, apparently, cheese ball story telling is not a symptom of mental illness cuz, today, this cheese ball feels great!

Still trying to figure out what to tell acquaintances when they ask the polite question, "So what have you been up to?"...

This issue dawned on me last night at my brother and sister-in-laws traditional summer party. It was a tremendous time, though I find it's a little harder for me to stay awake late at night, considering my bedtime routine is now - asleep by 9:00pm and awake around 5:00am! It's a perfect 8 hours of sleep and it's just one of the many, many benefits I've experienced by taking Resveratrol. (I used to need 9 - 10 hours which was unhealthy. Now it's at the perfect, normally recommended amount of sleep. Thank you, "normalacy"!)
Anyway, as I was saying, at the party were a number of people I'd not seen in some time. One of my brother's old friends from high school was there with his wife. I'd run into him at Walmart a while back but last night was able to talk a bit more to him. It was great, just... a little perplexing.
See, that question, "What have you been up to lately?" is a loaded one. It's really just a polite way of saying, "We may not have a lot to talk about, but do you have anything light and interesting to say?"
Well, heck ya! How about this: I was diagnosed as Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, about the worst mental illness imaginable, 10 years ago. But I discovered for myself a potential medical miraculous mental remedy that science appears not yet to know about from a supplement that can be easily purchased at almost any health food store. On it, I've experienced a dramatic, 180 degree makeover that is transforming my life! I'm thrilled that I may have stumbled upon something that could ultimately change countless other lives afflicted or affected by mental illness and it's ravages. It could make society as a whole healthier, possibly! Oh ya, did I mention that I haven't been able to hold a real full time job for almost 10 years so I've been on Government Funded Social Security Disability due to this illness. I'm coming off it as we speak! I moved out of my parents home after living there for 35 years with this illness - thank God for them -because of the spectacular progress I made with this simple but remarkable supplement. Did I tell you (remember, I'm still pretending to talk to the person asking the question.) that I'm about to release all of this infomation and my findings with all my personal records to the press and perhaps even, dare I say, Oprah! Do I dare tell you that, after 35 years of being haunted by social phobia and experiencing a hidden but genuine terror of people, I'm now participating in a public speaking group called Toast Masters to brush up on my new sudden ability to be able to talk to an audience in a fun and clear way! Also, I was just accepted into a small but prestigious school which teaches writing for children, based on my new ability to write well thanks to Resveratrol! This metamorphosis is sending me into a new direction to become a motivational speaker for people (adults and ultimately kids too) with no hope - mental illness or not! And, how could I leave out the fact that the bottom line is... I was diagnosed as Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder in the mental ward of a hospital 10 years ago, but I haven't felt anything but perfect - no depression, disthymia, hypo mania, mania, paranoia, psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, anxiety, panic, social phobia, OCD, ADD symptoms, etc... since 3 days after taking my first pill of this amazing supplement that no doctor told me to take. (P.S. - I love all the doctors I know - they're all fantastic), but Yes, I did find it for myself. And what does THAT mean? That means the biggest lesson here is HOPE! ANYTHING is possible! Despite your medical prognosis (this condition's prognosis stinks, to put it mildly!) No matter what your diagnoses. No matter what your socio-economic status, race, religion, creed, nationality, gender, age, sexual orientation, etc... anything IS POSSIBLE, no matter the issue at hand! That is my true discovery. And that... is exactly what I've been up to.

But see, as I said earlier, it's tricky to squeeze that all into a 5 minute polite conversation without making the other perfectly healthy person go temporarily insane with information overload. I don't want to do that to people. After all, I'm all about health now! lol
So this is what I do. To their question, I answer... "Not much."
It's an unfulfilling position to be in and I'm not crazy (definitely not anymore!) about censoring myself like that. But I guess it's for the benefit of the individual who probably simply doesn't have the time to really know the truth to what I'm going through. I do believe though that it is a vitally important message for people in our increasingly violent and hostile society, to know. Mental health and hope can potentially be available to all!
And, that's where I hope the media will help in my question to relay the message. Hope IS there for us all. It's a guiding, shining light that leads us through the storm. I'm a mere example of it. If I can find this answer to my question, you can too.

So, I now turn to you... what's YOUR life question?

Think about it.
My greatest one has been answered. Thank you God for that. But life is funny and fun and full of new surprising questions. What's my new question right now?
"Is Oprah going to call?"

The media...

It's been over a month now, as addressed by my last post, and I believe it is time to begin the process of contacting the media about my personal discovery. I spoke with one Resveratrol company that I respect very much, and he suggested I wait another 2 weeks before I do. I think this is good advice. It's only another 12 days actually. He was saying I should have 6 weeks total under my belt. I'm almost there!
I guess I was looking for a little more support from that company, but he made me aware of the difficult scenario this could be for their company (without saying that specifically). See, the FDA has standards and regulations that everyone knows about. They are the ultimate when it comes to Food and Drugs in this country. (As I wrote that it just dawned on me that I should contact companies outside of the country who are not governed and limited by the FDA! European and Canadian health standards are still strong but are more open to supplements. My how this adventure is unfolding!)
Anyway, the FDA doesn't necessarily believe in alternative medicine officially due to the fact that they do not evaluate the products and ingredients in them. Despite the fact that there is this whole explosion of interest lately in supplements by American consumers (mostly due to the fact that many people have great success with them) the FDA in its (for lack of better words) snobby way dismisses it and as a result, all US supplements have a label on them that says something to the effect of "This product has not been evaluated by the FDA, therefore it is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any illness". (Something like that.)
I'm sorry, in my personal opinion, just because the FDA decided it will not look into the potential health benefits of a product IT deems as unworthy, does not mean - in my newly open eyes - that the said product does not work. Let's face it, many drugs today started as an herb or supplement. They began as a simple discovery of anecdotal evidence by a select few people (similar to what is POSSIBLY happening to me), and the labs decide at that point to conduct a few experiments. Once the experiments prove and validate what is being claimed by the original people who discovered the benefits, then it goes on to have it's active ingredient extracted or synthesized and thus turned into a drug.
That of course is an extremely simplified explaination as to what often happens in the process of turning a supplement into a pharmaceutical. But once that is done and the FDA has performed it's safety testing, which thank goodness they do - I have to assert - then the drug now can be endorsed by the FDA. In all reality, it is a process that protects the American people. I appreciate the FDA for that purpose.
I guess my personal "beef" with the process is that, whether or not Resveratrol has been deemed appropriate by the FDA, almost doesn't matter. That process could almost be seen as a purely political process full of red tape and lobbyists (nothing wrong with lobbyists!) and money and such.
The point of my story is that something has happened to me. I realize it is all at the beginning stages - pre FDA - (although Glaxo Smith-Kline is working hard to release their newly acquired SRT501. Maybe I should get ahold of them next!) but that doesn't mean it hasn't not changed me anyway. (Double negative equals a positive here!)
I do believe, from the bottom of my newly healthy mind and soul - that my Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder has been "treated" by this supplement better than any drug I've ever tried! (I'm still on my Abilify and Zoloft though, just for the record, but remember, I've been on them and other drugs a long time with weaker results. ((I know, I'm a broken record but I HAVE to get these points across))). Whether its appropriate legally to assert that, I'm not sure, but I do know that it is my opinion and being a newly functional member in this blessed revitalized country makes it OK for me to express that to you.
Thank you "freedom of speech" and thank you Rev Genetics for your Nitro 250. Yes, I finally answered the question of which pill I take. I was reluctant to mention it before. I wanted to confirm in myself that it is the best I've tried (between 2 products) and it is. It's fantastic. There is a difference. It's a lower dose but Micronized meaning more goes into your blood stream. (By the way, there is no affiliation between me and Rev Genetics. It's simply the manufacturer of the pill that I prefer at this point.)
So, life is good for Jason. I am now contacting the media but waiting 2 weeks, as said, before any actual interviews. You would not believe who I've attempted to contact.
Anyway, thanks for being some of the first to follow this exciting mental health adventure. With the media's help, there will be many more!

Toast Master's and a job! By the way... HAPPY 1 MONTH ANNIVERSARY to me and Resveratrol!

I can't believe I'm writing a personal blog about my personal story and personal experiences regarding giving a personal speech in front of many people I do not personally know . But this is going to happen to me very soon, anyway. See, I'm about to sign up for Toast Masters. It's a club or organization that stresses (no pun intended) the importance and skills of public speaking. Well this is absolutely, so I've learned from yesterday's meeting, integral to my future and newly designed destiny. Not only necessary, but desired strongly by me!
I spoke for the first time in front of total strangers (didn't have to the first meeting but volunteered to do so) and I LOVED IT! I validate to you now, that I am Jason, but it has just been confirmed by doing this action that I am NOT the same person I used to be. This doesn't mean I have a new personality. It's just the all the fears and disfunction I had grown used to prior, were gone, thus allowing my true nature out to play!
And play is what I want to do now - in a productive, informative way, on stage, before as many people as possible, explaining my new way of life. I loved speaking. I thought I would, but I had no idea how powerful an experience it would be.
I'm not saying I wasn't nervous. Oh, I had anxiety. It would have been freakishly abnormal if I didn't. Public speaking in a number 1 fear of most people. If I felt total calm in my FIRST attempt in years, I'd have been a bit concerned.
No, I had a normal, healthy dose of nerves before and at the very beginning of my little 1 1/2 minute off the cuff speech. But the difference was I didn't let it control me. I acknowledged it, a cognitive behavioural approach learned many moons ago, and over came it. The longer I spoke, the more comfortable I became. EXCITING!!! And even more exciting was the revelation that I'd made at the second speech that night. I had even less anxiety already. In that short amount of time experiencing public speaking, I'd made a signifigant change toward improvement.
Now this also alludes to the fact that I almost won a little award for my participation and content. I was up against some tough competition in that room. Two men in particular were quite fantastic. They've been speaking with Toast Masters apparently for 7 years. But during award time for the evening, after handing the awards over to them, mentioned that it almost went to me too!
WOW. After years and years of no public speaking! I was really proud. Not arrogant. Modest but proud. It made me feel as though I really may have something special inside me to develop.
I have to hurry now, because I need to mow again - I try everyday the weather is nice, but I want to mention that all of this public speaking may come in handy if I get the job that I'd applied to yesterday at the college. It's a career counseling post that I stumbled across with my mom. I don't fit the total criteria in experience or education, however, I wrote an exemplary cover letter that may have gotten my foot in the door. It would be a couple of months before the job become available but I really, now, feel I have something special to offer these kids. And it's of course a good thing that it's a ways off considering it allows more time to make sure the Resveratrol is working before committing to a job.
I am so thrilled be in this position in life only 1 month after taking my first Resveratrol pill. Thank you to the makers of it and I have to thank myself for being tenacious through those difficult years. It's paid off.
Talk soon!

I'm making up for 35 years of being afraid... BOY am I social now!

I've done a 180, that's for sure. Before, I'd hide from others. I'd shy away and practically run from people I deemed as brilliant or financially powerful. Now, I'm seeking them out! I enjoy engaging conversatations with bright people - and now recognize that we're ALL bright deep down, just some of us have had our intelligence suppressed.
But I love everyone now. I've hidden for so long - knowing all along that it wasn't my true nature - and now the real Jason is available, I want to share him with the world!
Tonight, on that note, I'll be going to my first Toast Master's Meeting in Albany, NY. I can not emphasize how excited I am about this new venture. I'm looking for a platform - not only with this issue but with many others. I just want to communicate, not caring necessarily what the topic is at hand. It doesn't matter as much as it does that I share my ideas. You have to understand, as I mentioned above, I have been repressed for 35 years. So, there feels like a sense of immediacy behind my branching out, similarly to a man getting a new tool for his garage! It's a toy. It's glossy and fun now. This tool, this ability to communicate well now, is fun to use. I'm sure I will settle down soon. But, it's nothing but a positive experience.
My socializing doesn't involve partying either, as with hypomania. It involves discussion and heart to hearts. Okay maybe when it's not the most appropriate time. See, I'm still learning how to utilize this new "tool" (my brain) and when it's the time and place to tell someone about my experiences.
Last night, for example, I contacted a dear friend of mine after over 10 years of not speaking. We'd had a tiny bit of a falling out and I wanted to call her and apologize and take ownership of my responsibility in the matter. I was pretty sick back then and it affected my friendship with two wonderful women and I was feeling regretful. But I know how great of a woman they both are and that they would understand, if only I could tell her.
Well, after 10 years, I called last night out of the blue. And I told her... just about everything... in 15 minutes! Well, I may have bombarded her a bit with info and, if you're reading this dear friend (who will remain nameless) I apologize for my eagerness to reveal to you the truth of my situation. I should have paced myself and talked to you more slowly... over consecutive meetings. If it makes you feel any better, you've helped me to learn this valuable lesson in my new adventure and I'm ever so grateful to you for it. I promise, I'll go slower with the tricky stuff next time. And I hope I didn't scare you away, because I'd love to see you soon - both!

Ah, but such is life... a series of lessons. Some beautiful, others harsh. All important and ultimately worthwhile and, of course, beneficial.

I'm also on Facebook. Those of you who do not yet know me personally, I have to pause and say, "I'm sorry, I'm not yet ready to reveal my last name for you to look up." I'm currently on a role and "coming out" as it were, to all of my friends and family about my diagnoses and this incredible discovery I have made. If I decide, and I'm looking to do this not so ananymously down the road, to publically come out as a Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered individual who may have stumbled on a medical breakthrough, I'd like to give people close to me the respect and opportunity to find out directly from me first. I hope that makes sense to you.
However, if you contact me directly via the comments section of this blog or at my email address below, I'd love to give you more information about me. My email is jasonator32@yahoo.com. This is not a silly ploy to get more comments for my blog. It is, however, perhaps a gentle coaxing for people to begin reaching out to me. I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE AT THIS POINT! I think people are stilling getting over the initial shock of the story, but no one is responding much! This is huge people. It's bordering on a medical breakthrough. It could help millions and millions of people potentially if it is discovered to be long lasting. So, please do not feel reserved. Go ahead. Email me if you're at all interested. I'd love some more friends both professional or otherwise.
Suddenly, I'm reminded of when I felt sick before and intimidated by people due to my social phobia, that if someone mentioned that they were looking to speak to "intelligent" people, as I may have implied above, it would scare me away. I am not an Intelligence Snob. I personally think, as stated above, we are ALL equal. Some of us have more blocks than others but we are equals in this world no matter: socio economic status, race, sexual orientation, handicap (both mental, emotional and physical), gender, religion, and IQ. (If I forgot a group I apologize... tell me and I'll add it!) I reitterate, I LOVE EVERYONE! So please, who ever you are, be my friend. Email me. lol
And have a fun day!

Trying to get the word out...

It's so important to me that professionals in the medical establishment take me seriously in my plight to open everyone's eyes and minds to the possibility that something remarkable may really be happening here. I've changed. I'm a different person now but with the same big heart. That's the continuity... that's what hasn't shifted with me. I'm still the same loving individual I was even with the Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder.
But I know, deep down that hasn't changed either, in that it's still in me, but it's not showing any longer in any way. Somehow it's been hidden or locked up or, who knows, turned off - like a switch on a wall. The light fixture is still there, it's just... inactive. Hopefully forever.
And that continues to be my hope. This beautiful plateau that I've remained at for over 3 weeks out of the almost 4 (remember, the first week I was rising to this level), is constant and strong. The only time my mind slows now is when I'm tired at night or an hour or so after a drink of wine (which tends to be red now - every little drop of Resveratrol counts!)
I've contacted the president of the manufacturing company that I use as my source of Resveratrol. He and the company will remain nameless. I didn't ask yet for their permission to talk about their product. I will wait for the day that they approach me, if ever. He decided, without revealing the actual content of the correspondence, to send my email on to some other important people. This made me happy.
I also talked and had a physical with my new general practitioner earlier this morning. My physical came out perfect. "You're very healthy", he told me, after checking my heart and lungs and various other protocol, I was deemed fit as a fiddle. This is important to know since I've been taking this supplement almost a full month (this Wednesday will be my anniversary!) So far, no bad reactions that we are aware of.
Well, this is going to be a short post. Not sure how many people are reading this, yet. I haven't set up the features which tell how many have seen the blog. I'll work on that now. Remember, if you want to leave a comment, please feel free!

Happy Father's Day... a new meaning!

Well, I'm not a father of course. My condition and past have seen to that. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for someone of my condition, with such erratic thought patterns and emotional ups and downs, could adequately handle the position of fatherhood. I believe it was a good decision on my part.
Now, I have to assert that this was simply my choice, dealing with my specific situation. I say this because I believe that it is possible for someone, even with Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder to be a healthy and great parent. So I want to be clear about that. I am in NO WAY saying people with mental illness (which there are many kinds of and many people afflicted out there who already are parents) should not be parents. Again, I say parents with mental illness can be wonderful parents. It's simply a personal choice that I made a while ago that I would not be a father.
I don't think anything is wrong with not participating in the process of bringing a new life into the world. I recall the world is in a state of over population. But, still, there is much social pressure to do so and I personally beleive it should be a very serious consideration on the part of the parent to be. But as a result of my personal belief system (everyone's got their own) and my state of affairs mentally, I chose not to.
But you know what? Things are quite suddenly a bit different now.
This does not mean that I am rushing out, ready to purchase a crib and some stuffed animals (amongst the MANY other purchases necessary for a baby). What it means is that, for the first time, I feel that "normalacy" I've been so looking for. I feel healthy. I feel good. As I've said already countless times in this blog, I don't know for how long, but it's amazing to have this gift, no matter for how long it lasts. It has given me a lot of clarity regarding my future. Suddenly, for the first time in my 35 years, I'm not so quick to say I will never have a child. I certainly am not going to do it this year or next or for quite awhile, if I do, but it is a potential possibility now.
This is due to the clarity itself, of course, and the peaceful and happy calm I now seem to own and it also reflects the change in the fear of passing on "defective" genes to my baby, should I have one. As indicated by me in the previous post, I don't feel like I am cured. That makes it sound like I have no genetic markers in my system any longer or that I have no need for any more pills. This is not the case. I STILL am taking my Abilify and Zoloft, but now in conjunction with Resveratrol. It seems to be the winning combo for me.
But, getting back to what I was speaking of, that I feel symptom free from those defective genes. The effects of those Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered (I'm saying this diagnosis over and over again in this blog because the word itself causes much of a negative emotional response in people. I feel like the more it's used - Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder - the more we get used to it and the less power fear has over us in regards to it. It's just a word. Don't be afraid of it anymore!) genes are not affecting me now.
This gives me hope that, just say hypothetically, if I should decide at some point to have a child - not by way of adoption - but a genetic child who shares my DNA, and if this is the breakthrough that I hope it is, then I should hope that, even if my baby has the condition in their own DNA, which probably is not preventable yet, with this new treatment potential, they will never see a day experiencing the symptoms of the illness. They would simply have the markers, like I do now in their genes, but never a Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered day. Wouldn't that be wonderful!
It gives me such hope for the future of our society. How many crimes both violent and non violent are associated with mental illness? You'd be surprised to know that not as many violent as you'd think. Most people associate the word Schizophrenia or mental illness with the likes of serial killers like in movies such as Friday the 13th's Jason (I know, the name is where the similarities end) Vorhees or Halloween's Micheal Myers. Come on. Admit it. The thought has passed through your head at least once. You hear, Schizo and think "horror movie villain".
Well I'm here to defend the real victims of that way of thinking, the poor people actually afflicted with the mental illness. Most are very peaceful and scared and very, very sick. And they need help. I pray that my information and potential personal discovery works for them as well. Let's face it, in our society, everyone deserves to be a little happier. This may be a possible solution!
Before I end this post, I'd like to get a little teary eyed and thank my father on this Father's Day, for being as wonderful and supportive, in ALL of my unusualities. It couldn't have been easy to raise a son with such issues. He has been there every step of the way, along with my mother, and to him I praise and thank from the bottom of my clear headed, newly healthy soul. I couldn't have survived those difficult years had it not been for his and my mother's love. They carried me. I now want to return the favor and raise them high above the heads of the masses and let the world know their amazing strength and that they are truly Saints, in every sense of the word. I adore you and love you. Thank you.
Love,
your new son, Jason

An amazing friend of mine pointed something out to me about my blog...

He mentioned that, after reading my first posting of my blog (and not reading any further), that it felt like to him that I was diminishing the horrific nature of this illness. He said that it makes him feel like I am saying that the illness is now gone from my body. He said, "It can't be. It's like alcoholism. It never goes away. It will always be a part of you."
I listened to him earnestly, looking for honest opinions from others and completely appreciating that he felt comfortable enough with me to challenge my ideas. (I love that now!) I was sooooo glad also that he mentioned it, due to the fact that many of you may be feeling the same way. You may be thinking that I think my illness has been cured.
This all makes me realize that I have to be careful with my language in here and everywhere that I speak, so that people do not misinterpret what I say. Somehow, in that first entry, I did not convey what I needed to and I want to be clear -
I believe that Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder is a genetic disease. I'm not sure, but I think science has proven this theory. The brain and genes are so complicated that this really is a new science. Now, I believe, as my friend who will remain nameless, believes that this dreaded illness will ALWAYS be part of my DNA makeup. I'm pretty certain that the markers will always remain. And remember, if I do continue to feel as good as I have within this last month, then I will surely be a very happy camper, but, I still know that I have the illness within me. That is why I emphasize in future posts (which my friend had not gotten to yet), that I FEEL symptom free. NOT disease free - symptom free. The disease is still there. Only the effects of it APPEAR to be gone.
Right now, after almost a month, I have no sensation of them in my body. As I said before, no: depression, hypo mania, mania, social phobia, psychotic thoughts, delusional thoughts, paranoia, aggression or agitation, cognitive impairment, ADD, obsessive thoughts, long or short term memory loss, nor learning disabilities. All of the horrendous check list above SEEMS to have been "checked off" or vanished.
This is a good thing. Not as good as the total removal of the illness in my genes, but a good thing none the less. I certainly have no complaints. My quality of life has quadrupled in less than a month's time. Why? I'm pretty sure it's the Resveratrol. But only scientific studies would verify that. I can tell you it's the only thing that has changed for me externally in that time - actually taking Resveratrol.
And then, to reinforce the idea that it is the Resveratrol, yesterday I tried the more potent version and I noticed another boost.
Coincidence? Perhaps. I'm trying to remain open minded. But I doubt it. I really think it is the Resveratrol that has changed me. Permanently? Who knows. But for now, yes.
One quick layman's hypothesis as to why it may be working. I theorize this:
Resveratrol has been demonstrated in laboratories that it turns on the Surtuin or Surt1 gene. This is supposed to be the gene which is responsible for longevity. This is important for many reason. It's not important, however, which gene it turns on or off. More important is the fact that it is capable of effecting a gene at all. Follow me here:
what happens if the Resveratrol actually turned off the genetic markers for the Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder? Is it possible? Maybe. Did it in fact do it? I have no idea. It's just a theory. But it's an attractive idea!
So, please, if you are a scientist or medical professional - contact me - ask me questions, start your own research. Let's get this ball rolling! There are, if this works, a lot of people who could benefit here.
Think of all the suicides that could be prevented. Think of all the crimes that could be thwarted by people in dangerous, psychotic states. Think of all the governmental and tax money to be saved by helping people who were on the system, get well and get back to work. Think of all the families and relationships that could be saved and made healthy again.
There are sooo many positives to a potential breakthrough regarding Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder - arguably the worst mental illnesses known to man. So, let's not waste any time. Let's work together. Let's find out if we're on to something here. Let's get answers! Let's make this happen! Now's the time!

My NEW pill of Resveratrol... and social phobia (not in that order)

So, as you know, this is one big adventure of an experiment where I am after the Holy Grail. Not for longevity purposes, though, should the wonderful effects on my condition continue, I certainly have a lot of ground to makeup for, so I will want to live a much longer life. (Resveratrol has been shown to do that.) But, no, I am talking about the actual ultimate in obtainable states of mind - normalacy (don't think it's a word, but it is now!). That's something I've been seeking, like Indiana Jones on a crusade for the Holy Grail in one of his movies, for most of my life. Certainly ALL of my diagnosed life. But yes, even before I knew that I had been clinically determined to not be "normal" - I knew something was wrong with my head and a better life, though alluding me, existed somewhere for me.
You could be saying to yourself the typical politically correct line, "What's normal, anyway?" I'm telling you, I can answer that question. There is a Normal state of mind that can be achieved - even if you're Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered... and I have.
At least, for now. Whether it continues is what everyone is eagerly hoping to affirm in me. I refer to my beloved family and friends, the genius professionals in the Mental Health field that I have contacted, my wonderful social worker, and terrific nurse practitioner and don't forget, of course, little old me! I get the sense that they are holding their breathe a bit for me, eagerly anticipating a positive end result.
Someone quite smart, yesterday suggested that I wait another 2 -4 months, to see if it is in fact some kind of placebo fluke, or if it is what I believe it is - a remedy. I agreed and reluctantly hung up the phone at the end of the conversation. I wanted to continue talking though I knew how busy he was. And that is the most challenging part of this whole experience - remaining patient. (Apparently patience is a normal emotional state and has nothing to do with Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder. I'm still learning these things.) I feel more adult than I ever have in my life and yet I feel youthful and impatient about the waiting game. My brain has become so sharp. Communication happens now so fluidly. It's not a struggle. It's a sheer joy to be with another human being and talking with them.
Now an interesting note which is still on point, is the fact that I am now referring to my social phobia. I spoke yesterday with someone who has a similar diagnoses (who will remain nameless) and he said he shares the same symptoms as I, but without the social anxiety for the most part. Social anxiety was the most debilitating aspect of my condition. I just hid from everyone. Even in a face to face conversation where I could not hide physically, I found myself monitoring every little word that came out of my mouth. No wonder my conversations were so labored! I was working doubly hard to just communicate properly, meanwhile experiencing all the anxiety simultaneously. The point here of this paragraph, is to compare this one with the paragraph up above. I have done a 180 in terms of my social phobia. I am a social butterfly now - in the most healthy of ways. This is why I want to speak about this with everyone. This is why I need to communicate my ideas and results. I have 35 years to makeup for!
Okay, back to the topics at hand - the new Resveratrol pills! I just received them yesterday. I of course, in true Jason fashion, was so eager that I popped them immediately. I would tell you what they are but I don't think it's a good idea for me to endorse any products yet. I simply haven't used them, as pointed out earlier, long enough.
But this, in all my research, seems to be the best that I'm aware of. It's an extremely powerful version of Resveratrol containing the ever important Trans Resveratrol but their processing of it and it's delivery system is by far the most unique and effective.
Well, after taking my first dose, I quickly (within 1/2 hour) began noticing similar "buzz" like effects that reminded me of the first time I'd taken Resveratrol 3 1/2 weeks ago. This made me feel very confident that it was doing something good. By the way, the buzz feeling, goes away quickly and doesn't come back (unless you're upgrading your dosage apparently).
Well my mind smoothed out even more than it was before. I mean, my thoughts became even more clear and distinct, my sense of humor increased a bit more, and the slight residue of any kind of left over negatives (which I'm having a challenging time recognizing) completely vanished. In other words, I thought the previous product was effective. This was better!
These effects lasted all through the day and waking up this morning were still present.
So, day 1 on the NEW pills has concluded and the results are fantastic. I'm thrilled at the opportunity to have tried the first sequence of pills from the other manufacturer so that I have a definite comparison. I reiterate, there seems to be a significant difference between the two products. I'm contemplating contacting the new manufacturer of the new pills and revealing my exciting POTENTIAL news. Remember, it's early yet (I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to you.)
Well, the farm is calling and the lawn is growing and the mower is beckoning me to use it (no - I'm not hallucinating! It's just a silly personification of an inanimate object for literary entertainment purposes only.) I will be back soon to chat with you and hopefully continue to dispel good news for me and you both!
Talk soon!
Jason