All good adventures have tense moments. Yesterday was one of them!

I've been referring to this whole mental health quest as a journey or better still, an adventure. I'm not trying to sensationalize it more than it is, but let's face it, if there happens to be truth to what is happening here - if I stumbled across some sort of (oh, dare I use the word) "cure" for Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, or Bipolar Disorder (believe me, the verdict is not anywhere near to being out yet and I'm not stating that I have - just being hypothetical here.), then that's SENSATIONAL! It is exciting beyond belief, for the victims of the illness (both patients and the people who may have been affected by someone with these conditions) and society as a whole. We need to make our world more well, any way we can. The countless stories of people hurting each other, that afflict our country and beyond, do not all stem from mental illness, but it is influenced negatively by it anyhow.
So, yes, for entertainment purposes in this blog and to simply lighten a very heavy topic up, I will continue to call this an adventure that I'm on. My point in mentioning this is that, ALL good adventures are not rosy and happy every second. To be an adventure, you have to have suspense, drama and moments where you are not sure if the main character will make it or achieve his/her goal of acquiring what he/ she is seeking out.
In my adventure, which is unfolding as we speak, I am not Indiana Jones but Indiana Jase on the most important crusade of his life. This particular journey does not, however, have me traipsing all across the world to exotic locations. No, my exploration is one into the inner realms of my own brain and imagination. My goal is not to discover the riches of a society long forgotten, but one of uncovering health and mental wealth for our society as a whole. This is not a story about diamond mines, but one of crystal... crystal clear thoughts and emotions.
I finally have a label and title for the adventure that I'm on. It just popped into my head, which it is based on. And it is this... this adventure, this story, my life will now be referred to by me as:
The Adventure of Indiana Jase and the Quest for the Crystal Mind!
Ridiculous? A little. But fun and light? Yes.
Anyway, fantasy aside (no, not delusional fantasy, this is all in good fun!), yesterday was a rough day for this "adventurer". The day started out just fine. I was practically skipping to the barn, feeling great after waking up early, as usual, around 5:00am. (I go to bed around 9:00pm)
The day continued to be well for me till around 9:00am. I was working on the computer, emailing some information to the media (which by the way, has not gotten back to me yet. I'm sure it will take some time.) when the Internet started reeking havoc. It was frustrating to say the least, as I attempted to correct the problems (emphasis on plural). It was completely situational but my own buttons were being pushed and I found myself getting angry - after an hour of cyber struggles! Granted, ANYONE would have been upset, no matter their diagnoses or lack there of, so I certainly have to give myself some slack here. It wasn't like I was irritable for no reason - which often happens with this condition. No, this time it was based on an external force - a frustrating computer.
So I experienced that sensation of irritability, but it passed once the issue was resolved. I also want to note that what I was doing was important. I was trying to communicate with the press what is happening to me. And that seems to be a newly sensitive issue for me. I love speaking and writing and expressing myself now to other people (remember, I used to hate that). Now, it's become a passion. So when I feel blocked in a way and I can't get through to people what I want to say (like the computer fails to send properly my information to CNN) then I get frustrated.
Looking back today, I really think this is part of my new normal. I may be on the Quest for the Crystal Mind, but I'm Indiana Jase (God that sounds silly), NOT SUPERMAN. I'm not going to be perfect every second of the day - Resveratrol or not. This is a challenge to accept and I'm getting better at it.
Anyhow, that started my day. But... what really concerned me, however, was what happened later! (Feel the suspense building?) I celebrated my brother's birthday with some family and friends for lunch in Albany. I began noticing how sleepy I was getting while eating. My conversation and thoughts were getting slower. I was getting quiet.
By the time we were finished and began our drive back home, I was almost lethargic. I kept getting more and more tired! It affected my driving, too. I happened to have a whole car load of very important people to me in the van. At the time, I didn't realize how sleepy I was, but boy, did I wake up fast when I accidentally pulled out in front of a car at an intersection! It was fine it turned out. Everyone is fine, thankfully. No one got hurt, but my pride, it took a beating. It shook me up to say the least. And I was embarassed.
What ever this "crazy" sleepiness was, it had almost affected all of us. (Remember, this is all still VERY new to me. I'm not experiencing the same brain negatives and positives as I used to - my brain with all it's new wonders, also has new "not-so-greats", like this excessive sleepiness. I'm learning about it and how to deal with it. Also learning to not drive while experiencing it!)
Well, you're probably saying, "Why on earth were you driving, anyway, if you were so tired?" Good question. I can only answer that is came on very quickly, most of it WHILE I was driving. Hopefully it'll make you feel better knowing that I learned my lesson quite quickly. A few moments after the "Incident at the Intersection", I dropped off my dear friends at their car. But more importantly I had my brother drive from that point on to my parents. I proceeded to, safely tucked away in the back seat of the van now, go to sleep. And I slept for the rest of the way to their house!
Once there, I noticed that I had just missed my ride back home. Mom would be driving past the farm anyhow, so she drove me there. Again, still overcome by this sleepiness, I curled up and caught some Zs all the 20 minute trip. THEN, I fell back to sleep, home safe and sound, for another 1 1/2 hours! That's approximately 2 1/2 hours total in naps alone!
I woke up, grabbed a little coffee, which usually brings me right back, but was dissappointed to recognize that it didn't this time. I was still kind of lethargic. So, I fed the animals, went back in and called some friends to test my slower mental speeds (I was concerned. Of course the thoughts going through my slow head were, "This is it. The ride is over. Back to my old reality...")
And, on the phone, I wasn't quite able to keep up to my fast talking close friend (no names on this blog) and I accidentally messed up and mentioned food to a dear friend who is going through a gastric bypass today, as I type! This was not the most "thoughtful" thing because she had to practically starve till the procedure took place today. (I have to say to her, now, "Sorry! I wasn't quite my usual "new" self when I was talking last night!")
And that's the point that I was concerned about. My thinking was slow and my anxiety level was up a bit. It started to feel like old times - and not in a good way...

To make an already long story short, I started feeling better later on in the evening after I ate. And much to my excitement, I awoke this morning back to "new" normal!!!! YES!! Thank you God! It passed!
I'll keep you posted of course, but... what happened, my experience yesterday, is something to keep an eye on. For your info, (which this all is!) I did go through a similar "hiccup", after a week and a 1/2 on Resveratrol. It was VERY similar, but, thankfully, passed as well!
Well this is a very long post. I'll end it now.
It will hopefully be one of few, but occasional dark moments in the Indiana Jase's Quest for the Crystal Mind.
I know, cheesy... but it is fun! And one thing I've learned on this quest is that, apparently, cheese ball story telling is not a symptom of mental illness cuz, today, this cheese ball feels great!

Still trying to figure out what to tell acquaintances when they ask the polite question, "So what have you been up to?"...

This issue dawned on me last night at my brother and sister-in-laws traditional summer party. It was a tremendous time, though I find it's a little harder for me to stay awake late at night, considering my bedtime routine is now - asleep by 9:00pm and awake around 5:00am! It's a perfect 8 hours of sleep and it's just one of the many, many benefits I've experienced by taking Resveratrol. (I used to need 9 - 10 hours which was unhealthy. Now it's at the perfect, normally recommended amount of sleep. Thank you, "normalacy"!)
Anyway, as I was saying, at the party were a number of people I'd not seen in some time. One of my brother's old friends from high school was there with his wife. I'd run into him at Walmart a while back but last night was able to talk a bit more to him. It was great, just... a little perplexing.
See, that question, "What have you been up to lately?" is a loaded one. It's really just a polite way of saying, "We may not have a lot to talk about, but do you have anything light and interesting to say?"
Well, heck ya! How about this: I was diagnosed as Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, about the worst mental illness imaginable, 10 years ago. But I discovered for myself a potential medical miraculous mental remedy that science appears not yet to know about from a supplement that can be easily purchased at almost any health food store. On it, I've experienced a dramatic, 180 degree makeover that is transforming my life! I'm thrilled that I may have stumbled upon something that could ultimately change countless other lives afflicted or affected by mental illness and it's ravages. It could make society as a whole healthier, possibly! Oh ya, did I mention that I haven't been able to hold a real full time job for almost 10 years so I've been on Government Funded Social Security Disability due to this illness. I'm coming off it as we speak! I moved out of my parents home after living there for 35 years with this illness - thank God for them -because of the spectacular progress I made with this simple but remarkable supplement. Did I tell you (remember, I'm still pretending to talk to the person asking the question.) that I'm about to release all of this infomation and my findings with all my personal records to the press and perhaps even, dare I say, Oprah! Do I dare tell you that, after 35 years of being haunted by social phobia and experiencing a hidden but genuine terror of people, I'm now participating in a public speaking group called Toast Masters to brush up on my new sudden ability to be able to talk to an audience in a fun and clear way! Also, I was just accepted into a small but prestigious school which teaches writing for children, based on my new ability to write well thanks to Resveratrol! This metamorphosis is sending me into a new direction to become a motivational speaker for people (adults and ultimately kids too) with no hope - mental illness or not! And, how could I leave out the fact that the bottom line is... I was diagnosed as Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder in the mental ward of a hospital 10 years ago, but I haven't felt anything but perfect - no depression, disthymia, hypo mania, mania, paranoia, psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, anxiety, panic, social phobia, OCD, ADD symptoms, etc... since 3 days after taking my first pill of this amazing supplement that no doctor told me to take. (P.S. - I love all the doctors I know - they're all fantastic), but Yes, I did find it for myself. And what does THAT mean? That means the biggest lesson here is HOPE! ANYTHING is possible! Despite your medical prognosis (this condition's prognosis stinks, to put it mildly!) No matter what your diagnoses. No matter what your socio-economic status, race, religion, creed, nationality, gender, age, sexual orientation, etc... anything IS POSSIBLE, no matter the issue at hand! That is my true discovery. And that... is exactly what I've been up to.

But see, as I said earlier, it's tricky to squeeze that all into a 5 minute polite conversation without making the other perfectly healthy person go temporarily insane with information overload. I don't want to do that to people. After all, I'm all about health now! lol
So this is what I do. To their question, I answer... "Not much."
It's an unfulfilling position to be in and I'm not crazy (definitely not anymore!) about censoring myself like that. But I guess it's for the benefit of the individual who probably simply doesn't have the time to really know the truth to what I'm going through. I do believe though that it is a vitally important message for people in our increasingly violent and hostile society, to know. Mental health and hope can potentially be available to all!
And, that's where I hope the media will help in my question to relay the message. Hope IS there for us all. It's a guiding, shining light that leads us through the storm. I'm a mere example of it. If I can find this answer to my question, you can too.

So, I now turn to you... what's YOUR life question?

Think about it.
My greatest one has been answered. Thank you God for that. But life is funny and fun and full of new surprising questions. What's my new question right now?
"Is Oprah going to call?"

The media...

It's been over a month now, as addressed by my last post, and I believe it is time to begin the process of contacting the media about my personal discovery. I spoke with one Resveratrol company that I respect very much, and he suggested I wait another 2 weeks before I do. I think this is good advice. It's only another 12 days actually. He was saying I should have 6 weeks total under my belt. I'm almost there!
I guess I was looking for a little more support from that company, but he made me aware of the difficult scenario this could be for their company (without saying that specifically). See, the FDA has standards and regulations that everyone knows about. They are the ultimate when it comes to Food and Drugs in this country. (As I wrote that it just dawned on me that I should contact companies outside of the country who are not governed and limited by the FDA! European and Canadian health standards are still strong but are more open to supplements. My how this adventure is unfolding!)
Anyway, the FDA doesn't necessarily believe in alternative medicine officially due to the fact that they do not evaluate the products and ingredients in them. Despite the fact that there is this whole explosion of interest lately in supplements by American consumers (mostly due to the fact that many people have great success with them) the FDA in its (for lack of better words) snobby way dismisses it and as a result, all US supplements have a label on them that says something to the effect of "This product has not been evaluated by the FDA, therefore it is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any illness". (Something like that.)
I'm sorry, in my personal opinion, just because the FDA decided it will not look into the potential health benefits of a product IT deems as unworthy, does not mean - in my newly open eyes - that the said product does not work. Let's face it, many drugs today started as an herb or supplement. They began as a simple discovery of anecdotal evidence by a select few people (similar to what is POSSIBLY happening to me), and the labs decide at that point to conduct a few experiments. Once the experiments prove and validate what is being claimed by the original people who discovered the benefits, then it goes on to have it's active ingredient extracted or synthesized and thus turned into a drug.
That of course is an extremely simplified explaination as to what often happens in the process of turning a supplement into a pharmaceutical. But once that is done and the FDA has performed it's safety testing, which thank goodness they do - I have to assert - then the drug now can be endorsed by the FDA. In all reality, it is a process that protects the American people. I appreciate the FDA for that purpose.
I guess my personal "beef" with the process is that, whether or not Resveratrol has been deemed appropriate by the FDA, almost doesn't matter. That process could almost be seen as a purely political process full of red tape and lobbyists (nothing wrong with lobbyists!) and money and such.
The point of my story is that something has happened to me. I realize it is all at the beginning stages - pre FDA - (although Glaxo Smith-Kline is working hard to release their newly acquired SRT501. Maybe I should get ahold of them next!) but that doesn't mean it hasn't not changed me anyway. (Double negative equals a positive here!)
I do believe, from the bottom of my newly healthy mind and soul - that my Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder has been "treated" by this supplement better than any drug I've ever tried! (I'm still on my Abilify and Zoloft though, just for the record, but remember, I've been on them and other drugs a long time with weaker results. ((I know, I'm a broken record but I HAVE to get these points across))). Whether its appropriate legally to assert that, I'm not sure, but I do know that it is my opinion and being a newly functional member in this blessed revitalized country makes it OK for me to express that to you.
Thank you "freedom of speech" and thank you Rev Genetics for your Nitro 250. Yes, I finally answered the question of which pill I take. I was reluctant to mention it before. I wanted to confirm in myself that it is the best I've tried (between 2 products) and it is. It's fantastic. There is a difference. It's a lower dose but Micronized meaning more goes into your blood stream. (By the way, there is no affiliation between me and Rev Genetics. It's simply the manufacturer of the pill that I prefer at this point.)
So, life is good for Jason. I am now contacting the media but waiting 2 weeks, as said, before any actual interviews. You would not believe who I've attempted to contact.
Anyway, thanks for being some of the first to follow this exciting mental health adventure. With the media's help, there will be many more!

Toast Master's and a job! By the way... HAPPY 1 MONTH ANNIVERSARY to me and Resveratrol!

I can't believe I'm writing a personal blog about my personal story and personal experiences regarding giving a personal speech in front of many people I do not personally know . But this is going to happen to me very soon, anyway. See, I'm about to sign up for Toast Masters. It's a club or organization that stresses (no pun intended) the importance and skills of public speaking. Well this is absolutely, so I've learned from yesterday's meeting, integral to my future and newly designed destiny. Not only necessary, but desired strongly by me!
I spoke for the first time in front of total strangers (didn't have to the first meeting but volunteered to do so) and I LOVED IT! I validate to you now, that I am Jason, but it has just been confirmed by doing this action that I am NOT the same person I used to be. This doesn't mean I have a new personality. It's just the all the fears and disfunction I had grown used to prior, were gone, thus allowing my true nature out to play!
And play is what I want to do now - in a productive, informative way, on stage, before as many people as possible, explaining my new way of life. I loved speaking. I thought I would, but I had no idea how powerful an experience it would be.
I'm not saying I wasn't nervous. Oh, I had anxiety. It would have been freakishly abnormal if I didn't. Public speaking in a number 1 fear of most people. If I felt total calm in my FIRST attempt in years, I'd have been a bit concerned.
No, I had a normal, healthy dose of nerves before and at the very beginning of my little 1 1/2 minute off the cuff speech. But the difference was I didn't let it control me. I acknowledged it, a cognitive behavioural approach learned many moons ago, and over came it. The longer I spoke, the more comfortable I became. EXCITING!!! And even more exciting was the revelation that I'd made at the second speech that night. I had even less anxiety already. In that short amount of time experiencing public speaking, I'd made a signifigant change toward improvement.
Now this also alludes to the fact that I almost won a little award for my participation and content. I was up against some tough competition in that room. Two men in particular were quite fantastic. They've been speaking with Toast Masters apparently for 7 years. But during award time for the evening, after handing the awards over to them, mentioned that it almost went to me too!
WOW. After years and years of no public speaking! I was really proud. Not arrogant. Modest but proud. It made me feel as though I really may have something special inside me to develop.
I have to hurry now, because I need to mow again - I try everyday the weather is nice, but I want to mention that all of this public speaking may come in handy if I get the job that I'd applied to yesterday at the college. It's a career counseling post that I stumbled across with my mom. I don't fit the total criteria in experience or education, however, I wrote an exemplary cover letter that may have gotten my foot in the door. It would be a couple of months before the job become available but I really, now, feel I have something special to offer these kids. And it's of course a good thing that it's a ways off considering it allows more time to make sure the Resveratrol is working before committing to a job.
I am so thrilled be in this position in life only 1 month after taking my first Resveratrol pill. Thank you to the makers of it and I have to thank myself for being tenacious through those difficult years. It's paid off.
Talk soon!

I'm making up for 35 years of being afraid... BOY am I social now!

I've done a 180, that's for sure. Before, I'd hide from others. I'd shy away and practically run from people I deemed as brilliant or financially powerful. Now, I'm seeking them out! I enjoy engaging conversatations with bright people - and now recognize that we're ALL bright deep down, just some of us have had our intelligence suppressed.
But I love everyone now. I've hidden for so long - knowing all along that it wasn't my true nature - and now the real Jason is available, I want to share him with the world!
Tonight, on that note, I'll be going to my first Toast Master's Meeting in Albany, NY. I can not emphasize how excited I am about this new venture. I'm looking for a platform - not only with this issue but with many others. I just want to communicate, not caring necessarily what the topic is at hand. It doesn't matter as much as it does that I share my ideas. You have to understand, as I mentioned above, I have been repressed for 35 years. So, there feels like a sense of immediacy behind my branching out, similarly to a man getting a new tool for his garage! It's a toy. It's glossy and fun now. This tool, this ability to communicate well now, is fun to use. I'm sure I will settle down soon. But, it's nothing but a positive experience.
My socializing doesn't involve partying either, as with hypomania. It involves discussion and heart to hearts. Okay maybe when it's not the most appropriate time. See, I'm still learning how to utilize this new "tool" (my brain) and when it's the time and place to tell someone about my experiences.
Last night, for example, I contacted a dear friend of mine after over 10 years of not speaking. We'd had a tiny bit of a falling out and I wanted to call her and apologize and take ownership of my responsibility in the matter. I was pretty sick back then and it affected my friendship with two wonderful women and I was feeling regretful. But I know how great of a woman they both are and that they would understand, if only I could tell her.
Well, after 10 years, I called last night out of the blue. And I told her... just about everything... in 15 minutes! Well, I may have bombarded her a bit with info and, if you're reading this dear friend (who will remain nameless) I apologize for my eagerness to reveal to you the truth of my situation. I should have paced myself and talked to you more slowly... over consecutive meetings. If it makes you feel any better, you've helped me to learn this valuable lesson in my new adventure and I'm ever so grateful to you for it. I promise, I'll go slower with the tricky stuff next time. And I hope I didn't scare you away, because I'd love to see you soon - both!

Ah, but such is life... a series of lessons. Some beautiful, others harsh. All important and ultimately worthwhile and, of course, beneficial.

I'm also on Facebook. Those of you who do not yet know me personally, I have to pause and say, "I'm sorry, I'm not yet ready to reveal my last name for you to look up." I'm currently on a role and "coming out" as it were, to all of my friends and family about my diagnoses and this incredible discovery I have made. If I decide, and I'm looking to do this not so ananymously down the road, to publically come out as a Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered individual who may have stumbled on a medical breakthrough, I'd like to give people close to me the respect and opportunity to find out directly from me first. I hope that makes sense to you.
However, if you contact me directly via the comments section of this blog or at my email address below, I'd love to give you more information about me. My email is jasonator32@yahoo.com. This is not a silly ploy to get more comments for my blog. It is, however, perhaps a gentle coaxing for people to begin reaching out to me. I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE AT THIS POINT! I think people are stilling getting over the initial shock of the story, but no one is responding much! This is huge people. It's bordering on a medical breakthrough. It could help millions and millions of people potentially if it is discovered to be long lasting. So, please do not feel reserved. Go ahead. Email me if you're at all interested. I'd love some more friends both professional or otherwise.
Suddenly, I'm reminded of when I felt sick before and intimidated by people due to my social phobia, that if someone mentioned that they were looking to speak to "intelligent" people, as I may have implied above, it would scare me away. I am not an Intelligence Snob. I personally think, as stated above, we are ALL equal. Some of us have more blocks than others but we are equals in this world no matter: socio economic status, race, sexual orientation, handicap (both mental, emotional and physical), gender, religion, and IQ. (If I forgot a group I apologize... tell me and I'll add it!) I reitterate, I LOVE EVERYONE! So please, who ever you are, be my friend. Email me. lol
And have a fun day!

Trying to get the word out...

It's so important to me that professionals in the medical establishment take me seriously in my plight to open everyone's eyes and minds to the possibility that something remarkable may really be happening here. I've changed. I'm a different person now but with the same big heart. That's the continuity... that's what hasn't shifted with me. I'm still the same loving individual I was even with the Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder.
But I know, deep down that hasn't changed either, in that it's still in me, but it's not showing any longer in any way. Somehow it's been hidden or locked up or, who knows, turned off - like a switch on a wall. The light fixture is still there, it's just... inactive. Hopefully forever.
And that continues to be my hope. This beautiful plateau that I've remained at for over 3 weeks out of the almost 4 (remember, the first week I was rising to this level), is constant and strong. The only time my mind slows now is when I'm tired at night or an hour or so after a drink of wine (which tends to be red now - every little drop of Resveratrol counts!)
I've contacted the president of the manufacturing company that I use as my source of Resveratrol. He and the company will remain nameless. I didn't ask yet for their permission to talk about their product. I will wait for the day that they approach me, if ever. He decided, without revealing the actual content of the correspondence, to send my email on to some other important people. This made me happy.
I also talked and had a physical with my new general practitioner earlier this morning. My physical came out perfect. "You're very healthy", he told me, after checking my heart and lungs and various other protocol, I was deemed fit as a fiddle. This is important to know since I've been taking this supplement almost a full month (this Wednesday will be my anniversary!) So far, no bad reactions that we are aware of.
Well, this is going to be a short post. Not sure how many people are reading this, yet. I haven't set up the features which tell how many have seen the blog. I'll work on that now. Remember, if you want to leave a comment, please feel free!

Happy Father's Day... a new meaning!

Well, I'm not a father of course. My condition and past have seen to that. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for someone of my condition, with such erratic thought patterns and emotional ups and downs, could adequately handle the position of fatherhood. I believe it was a good decision on my part.
Now, I have to assert that this was simply my choice, dealing with my specific situation. I say this because I believe that it is possible for someone, even with Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder to be a healthy and great parent. So I want to be clear about that. I am in NO WAY saying people with mental illness (which there are many kinds of and many people afflicted out there who already are parents) should not be parents. Again, I say parents with mental illness can be wonderful parents. It's simply a personal choice that I made a while ago that I would not be a father.
I don't think anything is wrong with not participating in the process of bringing a new life into the world. I recall the world is in a state of over population. But, still, there is much social pressure to do so and I personally beleive it should be a very serious consideration on the part of the parent to be. But as a result of my personal belief system (everyone's got their own) and my state of affairs mentally, I chose not to.
But you know what? Things are quite suddenly a bit different now.
This does not mean that I am rushing out, ready to purchase a crib and some stuffed animals (amongst the MANY other purchases necessary for a baby). What it means is that, for the first time, I feel that "normalacy" I've been so looking for. I feel healthy. I feel good. As I've said already countless times in this blog, I don't know for how long, but it's amazing to have this gift, no matter for how long it lasts. It has given me a lot of clarity regarding my future. Suddenly, for the first time in my 35 years, I'm not so quick to say I will never have a child. I certainly am not going to do it this year or next or for quite awhile, if I do, but it is a potential possibility now.
This is due to the clarity itself, of course, and the peaceful and happy calm I now seem to own and it also reflects the change in the fear of passing on "defective" genes to my baby, should I have one. As indicated by me in the previous post, I don't feel like I am cured. That makes it sound like I have no genetic markers in my system any longer or that I have no need for any more pills. This is not the case. I STILL am taking my Abilify and Zoloft, but now in conjunction with Resveratrol. It seems to be the winning combo for me.
But, getting back to what I was speaking of, that I feel symptom free from those defective genes. The effects of those Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered (I'm saying this diagnosis over and over again in this blog because the word itself causes much of a negative emotional response in people. I feel like the more it's used - Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder - the more we get used to it and the less power fear has over us in regards to it. It's just a word. Don't be afraid of it anymore!) genes are not affecting me now.
This gives me hope that, just say hypothetically, if I should decide at some point to have a child - not by way of adoption - but a genetic child who shares my DNA, and if this is the breakthrough that I hope it is, then I should hope that, even if my baby has the condition in their own DNA, which probably is not preventable yet, with this new treatment potential, they will never see a day experiencing the symptoms of the illness. They would simply have the markers, like I do now in their genes, but never a Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered day. Wouldn't that be wonderful!
It gives me such hope for the future of our society. How many crimes both violent and non violent are associated with mental illness? You'd be surprised to know that not as many violent as you'd think. Most people associate the word Schizophrenia or mental illness with the likes of serial killers like in movies such as Friday the 13th's Jason (I know, the name is where the similarities end) Vorhees or Halloween's Micheal Myers. Come on. Admit it. The thought has passed through your head at least once. You hear, Schizo and think "horror movie villain".
Well I'm here to defend the real victims of that way of thinking, the poor people actually afflicted with the mental illness. Most are very peaceful and scared and very, very sick. And they need help. I pray that my information and potential personal discovery works for them as well. Let's face it, in our society, everyone deserves to be a little happier. This may be a possible solution!
Before I end this post, I'd like to get a little teary eyed and thank my father on this Father's Day, for being as wonderful and supportive, in ALL of my unusualities. It couldn't have been easy to raise a son with such issues. He has been there every step of the way, along with my mother, and to him I praise and thank from the bottom of my clear headed, newly healthy soul. I couldn't have survived those difficult years had it not been for his and my mother's love. They carried me. I now want to return the favor and raise them high above the heads of the masses and let the world know their amazing strength and that they are truly Saints, in every sense of the word. I adore you and love you. Thank you.
Love,
your new son, Jason

An amazing friend of mine pointed something out to me about my blog...

He mentioned that, after reading my first posting of my blog (and not reading any further), that it felt like to him that I was diminishing the horrific nature of this illness. He said that it makes him feel like I am saying that the illness is now gone from my body. He said, "It can't be. It's like alcoholism. It never goes away. It will always be a part of you."
I listened to him earnestly, looking for honest opinions from others and completely appreciating that he felt comfortable enough with me to challenge my ideas. (I love that now!) I was sooooo glad also that he mentioned it, due to the fact that many of you may be feeling the same way. You may be thinking that I think my illness has been cured.
This all makes me realize that I have to be careful with my language in here and everywhere that I speak, so that people do not misinterpret what I say. Somehow, in that first entry, I did not convey what I needed to and I want to be clear -
I believe that Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder is a genetic disease. I'm not sure, but I think science has proven this theory. The brain and genes are so complicated that this really is a new science. Now, I believe, as my friend who will remain nameless, believes that this dreaded illness will ALWAYS be part of my DNA makeup. I'm pretty certain that the markers will always remain. And remember, if I do continue to feel as good as I have within this last month, then I will surely be a very happy camper, but, I still know that I have the illness within me. That is why I emphasize in future posts (which my friend had not gotten to yet), that I FEEL symptom free. NOT disease free - symptom free. The disease is still there. Only the effects of it APPEAR to be gone.
Right now, after almost a month, I have no sensation of them in my body. As I said before, no: depression, hypo mania, mania, social phobia, psychotic thoughts, delusional thoughts, paranoia, aggression or agitation, cognitive impairment, ADD, obsessive thoughts, long or short term memory loss, nor learning disabilities. All of the horrendous check list above SEEMS to have been "checked off" or vanished.
This is a good thing. Not as good as the total removal of the illness in my genes, but a good thing none the less. I certainly have no complaints. My quality of life has quadrupled in less than a month's time. Why? I'm pretty sure it's the Resveratrol. But only scientific studies would verify that. I can tell you it's the only thing that has changed for me externally in that time - actually taking Resveratrol.
And then, to reinforce the idea that it is the Resveratrol, yesterday I tried the more potent version and I noticed another boost.
Coincidence? Perhaps. I'm trying to remain open minded. But I doubt it. I really think it is the Resveratrol that has changed me. Permanently? Who knows. But for now, yes.
One quick layman's hypothesis as to why it may be working. I theorize this:
Resveratrol has been demonstrated in laboratories that it turns on the Surtuin or Surt1 gene. This is supposed to be the gene which is responsible for longevity. This is important for many reason. It's not important, however, which gene it turns on or off. More important is the fact that it is capable of effecting a gene at all. Follow me here:
what happens if the Resveratrol actually turned off the genetic markers for the Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder? Is it possible? Maybe. Did it in fact do it? I have no idea. It's just a theory. But it's an attractive idea!
So, please, if you are a scientist or medical professional - contact me - ask me questions, start your own research. Let's get this ball rolling! There are, if this works, a lot of people who could benefit here.
Think of all the suicides that could be prevented. Think of all the crimes that could be thwarted by people in dangerous, psychotic states. Think of all the governmental and tax money to be saved by helping people who were on the system, get well and get back to work. Think of all the families and relationships that could be saved and made healthy again.
There are sooo many positives to a potential breakthrough regarding Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder - arguably the worst mental illnesses known to man. So, let's not waste any time. Let's work together. Let's find out if we're on to something here. Let's get answers! Let's make this happen! Now's the time!

My NEW pill of Resveratrol... and social phobia (not in that order)

So, as you know, this is one big adventure of an experiment where I am after the Holy Grail. Not for longevity purposes, though, should the wonderful effects on my condition continue, I certainly have a lot of ground to makeup for, so I will want to live a much longer life. (Resveratrol has been shown to do that.) But, no, I am talking about the actual ultimate in obtainable states of mind - normalacy (don't think it's a word, but it is now!). That's something I've been seeking, like Indiana Jones on a crusade for the Holy Grail in one of his movies, for most of my life. Certainly ALL of my diagnosed life. But yes, even before I knew that I had been clinically determined to not be "normal" - I knew something was wrong with my head and a better life, though alluding me, existed somewhere for me.
You could be saying to yourself the typical politically correct line, "What's normal, anyway?" I'm telling you, I can answer that question. There is a Normal state of mind that can be achieved - even if you're Schizo Affective Bipolar Disordered... and I have.
At least, for now. Whether it continues is what everyone is eagerly hoping to affirm in me. I refer to my beloved family and friends, the genius professionals in the Mental Health field that I have contacted, my wonderful social worker, and terrific nurse practitioner and don't forget, of course, little old me! I get the sense that they are holding their breathe a bit for me, eagerly anticipating a positive end result.
Someone quite smart, yesterday suggested that I wait another 2 -4 months, to see if it is in fact some kind of placebo fluke, or if it is what I believe it is - a remedy. I agreed and reluctantly hung up the phone at the end of the conversation. I wanted to continue talking though I knew how busy he was. And that is the most challenging part of this whole experience - remaining patient. (Apparently patience is a normal emotional state and has nothing to do with Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder. I'm still learning these things.) I feel more adult than I ever have in my life and yet I feel youthful and impatient about the waiting game. My brain has become so sharp. Communication happens now so fluidly. It's not a struggle. It's a sheer joy to be with another human being and talking with them.
Now an interesting note which is still on point, is the fact that I am now referring to my social phobia. I spoke yesterday with someone who has a similar diagnoses (who will remain nameless) and he said he shares the same symptoms as I, but without the social anxiety for the most part. Social anxiety was the most debilitating aspect of my condition. I just hid from everyone. Even in a face to face conversation where I could not hide physically, I found myself monitoring every little word that came out of my mouth. No wonder my conversations were so labored! I was working doubly hard to just communicate properly, meanwhile experiencing all the anxiety simultaneously. The point here of this paragraph, is to compare this one with the paragraph up above. I have done a 180 in terms of my social phobia. I am a social butterfly now - in the most healthy of ways. This is why I want to speak about this with everyone. This is why I need to communicate my ideas and results. I have 35 years to makeup for!
Okay, back to the topics at hand - the new Resveratrol pills! I just received them yesterday. I of course, in true Jason fashion, was so eager that I popped them immediately. I would tell you what they are but I don't think it's a good idea for me to endorse any products yet. I simply haven't used them, as pointed out earlier, long enough.
But this, in all my research, seems to be the best that I'm aware of. It's an extremely powerful version of Resveratrol containing the ever important Trans Resveratrol but their processing of it and it's delivery system is by far the most unique and effective.
Well, after taking my first dose, I quickly (within 1/2 hour) began noticing similar "buzz" like effects that reminded me of the first time I'd taken Resveratrol 3 1/2 weeks ago. This made me feel very confident that it was doing something good. By the way, the buzz feeling, goes away quickly and doesn't come back (unless you're upgrading your dosage apparently).
Well my mind smoothed out even more than it was before. I mean, my thoughts became even more clear and distinct, my sense of humor increased a bit more, and the slight residue of any kind of left over negatives (which I'm having a challenging time recognizing) completely vanished. In other words, I thought the previous product was effective. This was better!
These effects lasted all through the day and waking up this morning were still present.
So, day 1 on the NEW pills has concluded and the results are fantastic. I'm thrilled at the opportunity to have tried the first sequence of pills from the other manufacturer so that I have a definite comparison. I reiterate, there seems to be a significant difference between the two products. I'm contemplating contacting the new manufacturer of the new pills and revealing my exciting POTENTIAL news. Remember, it's early yet (I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to you.)
Well, the farm is calling and the lawn is growing and the mower is beckoning me to use it (no - I'm not hallucinating! It's just a silly personification of an inanimate object for literary entertainment purposes only.) I will be back soon to chat with you and hopefully continue to dispel good news for me and you both!
Talk soon!
Jason

New blog host and my appt. with my nurse practitioner...

I switched over to Blogger.com because I was very dissatisfied with my other blogging service. I feel good about the change since my other, as I mentioned in one of my entries, had advertisements for Resveratrol on the side of the blog. It looked like I was selling or endorsing the product and I can't say I can yet since I'd known nothing about it's specifics.
This site was recommended to me by one of my best friends who is also on a life changing journey. We had the best heart to heart the other day when I let her know what was going on with me and my change and the positive direction it was taking me into.
Right now, I'm sleepy, but that has to do with the fact that it is 8:30PM and I generally go to bed around 9:00! This is due to the fact that on a farm you must get up early and I do at 5:30AM. I actually love it. I'm getting a good 8 1/2 hours sleep which my psychiatric nurse practitioner was delighted about I believe.
Speaking of her, I have to say that our last encounter yesterday went VERY well. I, as I indicated in the other post, brought my mom along for validation and she was wonderful. She spoke from the heart and I think it did work to help a bit of the medical professional's comfort level, knowing that someone sharp was keeping an eye on me at and around home.
Now, my other friend with whom I'd met today for the first time in over a year from Florida, had met me for breakfast, before I dropped him off at the airport to send him on his merry way back home. He had a terrific idea of having my mother write brief notes every day regarding her observations of my condition. He said, and I agreed, that those notes shouldn't be viewed by me at all. I think this is brilliant and I'm looking for as many angles as possible eventually if I write a book about this someday. You never know!
Well, I'd better bolt. Dinner is ready. See you tomorrow!

Today's the day I speak with my psychiatric medical professional...

Well, after the last time I’d met with her (she is to remain nameless to protect her identity), it was a little akward. The meeting went a little in the opposite direction than I’d expected. Of course, she has a conservative approach to my health, which is completely respectable. She must feel that the tried and true methods of FDA approved medicines are the SAFEST way to combat this illness. As much as I appreciate her concern for my best interests and health, I must admit that I would not be as healthy as I am today, even before the Resveratrol, had I not taken an “outside of the box” way of thinking about the condition. Supplements, whether they be vitamins or herbs or oils (fish oils) were not recommended to me by any of my physicians. They were discovered by me in my own self advocacy and research on the internet and in texts. I do have to say that the best tool in changing my life has not been the pills themselves, but the knowledge so readily available as it is online. The internet has saved me countless times.
This is not to say I trust it 100%. This would be naive. I’ve learned to be very discerning and suspicious of any sites that are or even allude to selling a product. That is why I need to stop being cheap about this blog and start with paying for it so that the advertisements to the right - which I assert have no particular endorsement from me - will disappear.
See at the bottom of the ad, it says “Ads by Google”? Blog.com is able to offer free blogs to it’s members by placing those ads by Google on the free sites. That service or feature “reads” the content of the blog and then goes and looks for vendors with a similar subject. In my case, it must have read Resveratrol, so it has an ad for a Resveratrol company posted now at the side of the blog. This is a problem for me because I don’t know anything about the company. I don’t endorse it at all. But it looks like I do and it LOOKS like I am affiliated with the company because it’s on my blog. I have to repeat, I do not endorse ANY one company’s Resveratrol at this time. I don’t even want to say the company name online that I use.
I have been made aware that not all Resveratrol products are the same. If you are going to (as a physician or researcher) suggest Resveratrol to a patient, please put in the leg work and find a reputable company. There are those with suspicious marketing tactics, I’ve found.
Anywho, today I again meet my physician and discuss the positive aspects of my recovery - or anticipated recovery. And this may sound silly coming from a 35 yr old man, but I have asked my mother to come with me to the appointment. Not because I have anxiety about it, I’m actaully quite excited. (I LOVE talking to professionals now - this is a big change considering I used to be sooooo intimidated by people in power with my social phobia.) But, no, mom is going to be by my side to hopefully validate my claims. So far, my physician has only my point of view. It might help her to feel more comfortable with the situation if there is a second party there who has been witness to my change from the beginning, as well as has been there in my darkest hours in the past. I’ve shown no one more of that aspect of me than my mother.
Also, she is now taking Resveratrol and has noticed a personal change in her way of thinking and experiencing the world as well. It has also helped her arthritis! This information should help me and my plight with my doctor I beleive.
Well, I’ll keep you posted to the results of the meeting. Stay tuned and thank you soooo much for taking the time to read.

Now I love people and conversation...

Sorry for the boring headlines on each of the posts prior, simply telling you how far into the experience I am. I’m going to start labeling each entry more descriptively from now on. Above I’ve indicated that I enjoy keeping myself mentally focused and challenged with projects with other people. Mostly though, I want to communicate. Whether it be through this blog or through my mouth in a face to face or over a phone conversation, I love it all. I can’t get enough of people. It’s not that I want to party with them, like I do when I’m hypo manic, I simply want to be with them and talk to them, expressing my ideas and listening to theirs. This is very stimulating to me and it is a brand new skill in which I’ve nearly mastered in a short amount of time. This is fantastic to me and I couldn’t be happier about it. (Well… I could be euphoric like with hypo mania, but this is not what I am talking about here.)
I continue to emphasize the fact that I truly believe that I am NOT hypo manic. I’ve already expressed in other entries, the differences, so I won’t go into it again. This is an important realization. It was of subtle concern on my part that it was, indicating of course that this phase in which I am in, was temporary only. But as I spoke of before, hypomania for me lasts only 3 or 4 days usually. I’m almost going on 3 weeks here. It’s amazing and good. Not to mention all the other differences involved.
And to address the fact that I am comfortable with people (to state it mildly), I have a social event to attend in which cameras will be present, filming the party. This is happening in only a 1/2 hour (which means I have to get ready now.) But the important point here is that I am excited about it more than timid. Of course I have a tiny hint of nervousness, considering the circumstances (cameras, sophisticated people, etc…) but am truly thrilled at the opportunity and thrilled at the fact that I would never have been able to say I was thrilled with a social function just over 3 weeks ago.
I’ve changed. Of course the question remains, for how long? I will find out only one way - live it and hope for the best!
I’ll continue to keep you posted.

Red Wine on a Saturday night...

It’s Saturday night, and I’ve just gotten home from a wonderful night at the local town bar in it’s ritziest and most prestigious restaurant. I drank coffee before leaving to the bar, due to the fact that I knew I’d be drinking a glass of wine or two (I now try just to drink red French wine like Burdough (spelling) or what ever French red is in the house. This is of course due to the trace doses of Resveratrol in the wine. The French region has the strongest consistency of Resveratrol.)
I had such a tremendous time. But I think I’d enjoy even perhaps an insurance seminar at this point, as long as I’d have the opportunity to speak.
I’ve done such a 180 around this issue of people and socialization. I told you already that I used to be severely social phobic. I am the complete opposite now. I find myself talking to strangers regularly, whenever I have the opportunity. It’s bizarre and much loved. It’s the most profound change in me, besides now having a nice mind to share with others.
Other changes that have happened are the fact that I have a sense of humour now. I enjoy being funny when possible and light in most situations when appropriate. It’s fun to share and actually feel the power of making others laugh. It’s tremendous.
I just want to speak to people. I want to be around others and share life experiences, even if I don’t know the person.
Today, we have something quite special and amazing happening (besides my own personal transformation). I can’t go into it yet, but I will very soon. It has to do with the entertainment industry and the farm. I won’t write as to where I live yet. Most of you probably wouldn’t know if I told you… but you will soon! I’ll just leave it at that.
Anywho, a number of people were here at the farm for the reason that I can’t specify yet. I was shoveling manure (fun huh?) with my partner and had a break where he had to take the tractor out and dump the junk that was now in the bucket. Well, I got bored just waiting for him. So what did I do? I got up, smelly and all, and walked around the barn outside to the main mansion. There on the lawn was a man drawing the house (I know, this all sounds strange but I promise it is true and will all make sense once I explain what is happening here at the estate.) There were actually 3 artists all drawing the mansion from different perspectives. I would never have done this normally, but what did I do? I walked right over to the man and introduced myself (remember, still smelly) and we chatted up a storm for a good 15 minutes! Never in my life in the past would I have done something like that.
John, after I’d returned to the barn said, “Boy, I never would have guessed you’d go up to a stranger to talk. You’re not shy anymore, are ya?”
I guess not. In fact, I am the total opposite. I’m not annoyingly chatty, at least I hope not (my family might disagree lately!) but I’m simply nicely sociable. In fact, that’s all I want to do now. I want to work and be around people.
See, in the past, I set up my life to try and remove myself as much as I could from the rest of society. The little bit I could work, was of course for myself only, and it was doing odd jobs working on a broken antique alone in the garage.
I’ve changed. That is no longer attractive to me at all. It’s completely isolating and I want nothing to do with it any longer. Nothing against antiques; it is the alone time that I’m rebelling against. I guess going 35 years in hiding and now coming out of my shell, I have a lot of social time to make up for. I think that’s what’s happening now. It’s not like I want to have 10 shots and party all night like I used to when I was hypomanic. It’s VERY different. It’s me not being afraid of people any longer. I just want to be around them now.
And I have discovered that I still have a HEALTHY dose of nervousness at times. But I can’t call it anxiety anymore. I don’t sit and let it eat the insides of me out like I did in the past. It was all consuming and too much before. It ruled my social life.
Now, it’s just a tinge of excitement, as I now like to call it, preceding a social engagement, that I think many get. It’s so manageable. All I do is a few drops of Bach Remedy’s Rose Rock. It take it right away. I’ve also discovered all I have to do is think of something funny and it’s gone. I’d rather become a bit more dependent and used to that coping strategy than to take a product.
Well, I’m now getting sleepy. It’s about 11:30 and past my normal bedtime. I believe the coffee and caffeine are out of my system now. Bed sounds very attractive and I know I need to get up early. I have a truly exciting day lining up for me tomorrow which you should be able to see soon! I promise to keep you posted.
Have a spectacular night, what’s left of it, and I will chat with you in the morning or so.
Night.

Second Post!

Okay, where did I leave off?
The tingling sensation in my head after taking the pill for the first time of Resveratrol - that’s where.
So, I returned home and later that day noticed the tingling had passed. But by the next morning, I noticed that I was a bit hypomanic - at least, that is what it felt like. I could think faster a bit; I felt better; I could think clearer. It was all very subtle, but to make a long 18 day story short, it was the start of a remarkable medical phenomena. My brain, as I look back clearly now, was starting to “clean house”. It felt like all the fog and “rust” from all those free radicals from 10 years on Resperdol, Zyprexa, and Abilify… and the other psychotropics I was on - which were powerful, yet potentially damaging without the super antioxidants - was all disappearing. It seemed like my neuro pathways were unclogging. Now that is simply what I feel like has happened in the last two and 1/2 weeks. This has NOT been verified by anyone yet. To tell you the truth, I don’t think they’ve invented a test for free radical damage in the brain yet, so I don’t think they’d be able to test any how, which sucks. Perhaps some kind of brain scan or mri could display whether or not my brain is functioning better but I don’t have any base line from before to compare it to. That is how far behind medical and pharmaceutical technology is these days in regards to the human brain. I’ve been told by doctors that the scientific community knows more about space than it does about the human brain.
Just so you know, the way these drugs affect the brain chemistry and “help” mental illness, is all theory. No one knows how it works for sure. And the reason I am emphasizing this point, is to allude to the fact that this MAY be a genuine new discovery in how a readily available nutritional supplement, which can be purchased at most health food stores by anyone, could be a POTENTIAL positive ally in the fight against the most serious of mental illnesses - bipolar and schizophrenia.
I have both combined and something has happened to me. My brain is not functioning the same as it did 2 1/2 weeks ago, when I was on the Abilify and Zoloft and some vitamins and antioxidants. A RADICAL, pardon the pun, change has occurred in me in that I now feel like a whole, healthy human with a whole, healthy, functional, beautiful brain.
See, the drugs only helped to a degree. My doctor suggests that if she knew I wasn’t happy with the results, we could have juggled in some more medications. I tried to explain to her that I have been diagnosed with this terrible illness - not for a short time - but for OVER a decade! I had many of the symptoms far longer than that. I know what this condition makes you feel and think like. I have been on the best drugs including Lamictol, which she’d forgotten I was on and felt that it would have helped more. It didn’t. The drugs got me only so far. After all that time to give them opportunity to work, they only did so much.
2 1/2 weeks ago, that all started to change. For the first time in my 35 years living with mental illness, I felt like I wasn’t any longer. And I know some of you doctors and researchers that are reading this might be rolling your eyes. It’s important that you remain skeptical. I don’t have a clue as to what is really going on here. I’m willing to concede that I could be hypomanic. I’ve dealt with hypomania thousands of times as a rapid cycling bipolar patient over the last 10 years. It makes your thoughts race. My thinking has improved, but in vein of that argument, it was pretty repressed by the condition before. Schizophrenia has a symptom called disorganized thinking. I felt the ramifications of that many times. I thought I had a learning disability as well too and my memory was completely weak. All my friends and family know me by my poor memory. That’s different now. I have a delightfully powerful healthy memory now.
So thinking and cognition has improved tremendously. I can communicate clearly both in writing and in speech.
It feels different from hypomania as well because I am not irritable at all. I usually have irritability and none has been experienced in that time.
Spending, reckless driving and increased desire for sex has not happened to me. I am in control and still aware of consequences. (That happens with hypomania - you don’t care if you spend your last dollar today. You think somehow you’ll get more tomorrow so you don’t worry about it and as a result, you recklessly spend.) I went bankrupt over 10 years ago around the time I was diagnosed due to my crazy hypomania spending. I’m telling you, that is NOT happening now. I don’t feel compulsion to spend, have sex, or drive erratically. My partner and I still have a healthy sex life of twice a week. Hasn’t changed. My driving record is still safe. No speeding tickets, which I had many over 10 years ago.
I’m feeling really good - not euphoric. I usually get that way with hypomania. Not now with what’s happening.
With hypomania, I usually have magical thinking, compulsively believing in synchronocity and spiritual power. It’s not a hallucination, it’s simply an inner craving to become more enlightened. It’s a strong euphoric pull towards God. Not that I don’t beleive in God. Of course I do. He’s helped me get this far. But it’s a normal belief. I don’t feel compelled to talk to God every 10 minutes. I simply pray once a day now, like a normal person would.
See that’s what I’m saying. Everything seems to be normalizing. I now only 8 hours of sleep instead of the 9-10 I’d been used to for the last 10 years. This concerned my doctor again. She said there is a difference in your sleep pattern. This could be a sign of hypomania. I explained to her in my expereince with this condition that hypomania allows me to get away with 4 -5 hours of sleep a night, while the temporary state lasts - usually for 3 -4 days. My change in sleep patterns has simply dropped from an unusual and unhealthy and unproductive 9 -10 hours, to a typical human sleep time of 8. In her defense, at the time we’d seen each other last week, I told her my sleep had dropped to 7 hours, which was true. It’s since come up to 8. I think that will help her to feel a bit better about this.
SHe’s a spectacular health professional and I have nothing but respect for her. She took me in as a psychiatric nurse practicioner when pschiatrists were denying to see me due to my diagnosis. I thank her sooo much for all she’s done for me and in no way to I want to paint a poor picture of her. I simply don’t agree completely with her opinion on this NEW scenario with my head and contents. I certainly shocked her, I guess and I didn’t give her the opportunity to let it sink in at the time. I’ve only seen her once so far. I promised I’d see her this week and I’m looking forward to it. I really enjoy talking to professionals and intelligent people now. Before it terrified me. Now, I seek out a stimulating conversation.
Okay… I have to get out in the barn, but I shall return!

First Entry!

Well… so it begins. This is my first official documented report of me - Jason - on the exciting new supplement, Resveratrol. I must first make a clear statement, before spouting off on the positive effects of this beautiful supplement on my dreaded and often over whelming mental illness of Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder (yes it’s a real condition and yes, it’s as bad as it sounds) that I am no doctor. I am not a scientist. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m not even a nutritional professional working in a health food store. I am simply a layman self researching individual willing to experiment with my own mind and body. I am aware that I do this at my own risk. I do not recommend anyone else do what I do. I make no assertions for anyone to mimic any of my behavior, like adjusting my intake of supplements because… it’s dangerous, quite frankly. I don’t want anyone to get hurt - including me.
Now, if you are at all interested in showing these results (which have been profound to say the least) to your doctor or responsible health care provider, please do. I’m trying to get this information out to the medical community in the most clear and accurate way. The more doctors and scientists know about my wonderful results in dealing with this product and in it’s dealing with my Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, the more beneficial - I believe - to everyone in the long run. It may benefit someone who is Schizophrenic as well as someone Bipolar. Lucky me, I am both, but lucky me maybe not for long!

Now, I must also explain that I have no idea what is going to happen to me in the future. This apparently effective supplement could produce nothing but positive results for a short time, and I am brutally aware of the reality, that it may suddenly turn on a dime. I could suddenly have my old daily symptoms back at any moment. I am aware of this. Worse yet, I could become worse. Or worse yet, I could have other illnesses tacked on to all of that - like cancer or diabetes or a foot growing out of my head. I don’t know. But that’s actually the exciting part of this all, too. The fact is, no one seems to know. No one knows much about Resveratrol and they certainly don’t know that it may or (I’m willing to concede) may not have a role in my sudden and dramatic change for the better in regards to my mental health.
Until now that is!
So please, do not follow any of the tactics I express in this blog. This is purely informational to the doctors and researchers who have interest in this product. And, I might add, if any of them are interested in asking questions of me, PLEASE contact me at jasonator32@yahoo.com I’d LOVE to talk to more professionals about my experiences.

So let’s talk about those experiences. I guess I should explain a little bit about me first. My name is Jason. I’m a little concerned with telling you my last name as of yet. I would like to wait a bit longer before revealing that information to the public. After all, we only get one name in our lives (unless legally changed of course) and we must live with it forever, so each of us should take care with what is associated with our name. And I’m still unaware of the potential future with this supplement Resveratrol. I am feeling spectacular now (not euphoric, I must explain, but clear and calm and happy.), but I don’t know what lies ahead for me. If my old social phobia comes creeping back, as it certainly could, I will undoubtedly want to retreat into the background again, as I have for most of my life. Social phobia and anxiety, mixed with a little paranoia does that to me. Happily, though and for now, I am without!

Anywho, I have Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder, in which I’d mentioned earlier. What is that? Good question. Not many people understand it as wouldn’t I had I not had the condition to begin with. I pretty much basically means that I have all the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia neatly packed into my poor brain. It sucks. It’s true. I have or had them all - every symptom: from depression, to disthymia, to hypo mania, to mania, to paranoia, to delusional thinking, to psychotic thoughts (I know, scary!), to tactile hallucinations and a bit of audio as well, to confused and clouded thinking, to minimal memory power, to anxiety, to full blown social phobia, to ADD like symptoms such as lack of concentration… oh… the list just goes on and on. What “fun” I had on this train wreck of a human mind, as you can imagine.
You’re probably wondering if I’ve had help. Of course. I’ve had many counselors and social workers and psychiatrists and a psychiatric nurse practitioner all trying to help me out. I’m grateful to them all and respect each of them in their stages at helping me with mine.
I’ve also been on countless medications - the best in the industry, too! From Zoloft to Paxil to Lamictol to Risperdol (an anti psychotic) to Zyprexa (another one) and finally to Abilify which it and Zoloft I am now continuing to take. That’s not the only thing I take though. I’m also now on a multi vitamin and a B complex.
Now there are a few other things I take, which I now see as very important to me. See, I began getting the shakes a few years ago lightly. This is due to a tacked on condition called Tardive Diskinesia. It happens often to people who take psychotropic medications for long periods of time. Well let me just tell you, and you will soon learn this about me, that I was not ready to just sit back and let this happen to my body. So, I researched… and discovered that Vitamin E helps with Tardive Diskinesia (probably spelled wrong - don’t feel like looking it up). Well this was exciting to me so I began to take 1000 IU and before I knew it, it disappeared.
I looked deeper into this mystery and discovered that Vitamin E is what’s called a super antioxidant. They have the role of eating up free radicals in our bodies which are formed by many different aspects to life including breathing! But more often, it is due to pollution and external forces that create the free radicals (almost like rust in the cells of the body) and the antioxidants clean them out. This sounded good to me.
I did more research and discovered there are many super antioxidants out on the market readily available at most health food stores. Vitamin E, of course is one, but then there is Vitamin C, Co Enzyme Q10, ginkgo biloba (which increases blood flow to the brain), fish oil or omega 3s, tumeric and rosemary which are herbs and many, many more! And this is all leading up to what this discussion is all about in the first place because after taking all of the above for some time (countless months) I began to FEEL better.
See, I’ve discovered, after being on the best pharmaceuticals in the land for this dreaded condition, that - in my experience - drugs only bring you 75% - 80% of the way. They don’t alleviate all the symptoms of Schizo Affective Bipolar Disorder. They are wonderful and have done soooooo much for this pooooooor soul, but a complete symptom free life was still as elusive to me… as bigfoot is to the public. I’d see glimpses here and there, experience remnants of hours or maybe even a day or two which didn’t contain any of the bad symptoms mentioned above. But they were fleeting… certainly didn’t last.

But then, approximately 3 weeks ago, everything changed for me
(dramatic, huh). I saw, online, as I often discover most of my little physiological breakthroughs, that there was a product out on the market that could make you live longer. A memory jolted my sad head (and believe me, that was quite rare in the past, pre Resveratrol. I couldn’t remember my name most of the time. - exaggeration, of course)
I’d remembered reading an article over 6 years ago in a newspaper stating a claim that a super antioxidant pill was soon to be on the market, which would extend the life in people more than a third, as it had in animal studies. It eats up all the “rust” or free radicals in the system which cause the signs of aging.

“Oh my gosh”, I thought out loud. “They finally made it!”

And IT was called Resveratrol.

Resveratrol is derived from grapes found mostly in the French regions of the world, though it can be found in other places as well. As it is in grapes, it is also found in small quantities in red wine, due to the fact that the Resveratrol is primarily in the skins of grapes. I guess white wines don’t use the skins. The nutrients in the soils of France seem to be the most potent, too.

Resveratrol has been scientifically studied for only a few short years, apparently. However, there have been countless studies confirming the fact that it has anti cancer properties as well as longevity properties. These studies indicate in yeast through mice that heavier animals (I’m referring to the mice now - don’t know if there’s such thing as a heavy yeast!) that were burdened down with fat, after consuming large quantities of Resveratrol, became like Olympic athletes (as mice go, of course). They could run faster and out think their non Resveratrol cohorts.

Now that intrigued me further. First of all for the fact that this could extend my life, theoretically. But mostly for the opportunity to think faster. My brain has been lagged down since I first got it 35 years ago! I knew I was actually smarter than the thoughts I could produce in a “live” conversation, yet thinking in general was so burdened by my condition, that it often was not possible. I’d go for quite some time at various stages of the condition where not a single prominant thought would enter my head. I felt and was dumb.

But I beg to argue that fact now. I’ve now noticed and realized and finally understood for the first time in 35 years, that my intelligence was there all the time. It simply was suppressed by the negative effects of the schizoid aspects of my condition. And when I was depressed, I was doubly slow. I worked so hard under those conditions to come acrossed as intellectual as I possibly could. I think I fooled a few people into thinking that I had a semi bright brain. But mostly, it was smoke and mirrors. My brain was full of “smoke and fog” and utilizing it was a pain in the rear. Sounds weird to talk about a brain like it’s just another tool, but it sort of is. The most important tool you’ll ever use, mind you, but it is in a sense just that.

And mine needed a tune up, a thorough cleaning. Resveratrol and the other antioxidants, I believed (based on the fact that the ones I already were taking were helping me think a bit better) could do that.

I ordered it from a company online (and since sent it back due to shady practices of the company such as telemarketing calls daily for weeks and no clear costumer service). Now this was about 21 days ago today. Unbeknown to me, I would return the bottle of Resveratrol that I’d ordered, but despite that, I was truly excited to receive the bottle. It was back ordered and suggested that it would take a couple weeks.

Fast forward about 2 days to a Wednesday. I had taken my beloved mother to a doctor’s appointment in Latham, NY. While waiting for her, I asked if she’d mind if I kill some time in the nutrition shop up the road. She assured me that she was completely fine with that. I left and arrived at that fateful shop. Perusing through the isles of the interesting pharmacy of sorts, I happened to ask if they had Resveratrol, so I could compare with what I’d purchased. (Not that I knew much about the product I’d purchased online at that point, since the customer service couldn’t even tell me how many mgs of Resveratrol was in the bottle being sent. Scammy.)

The nice woman walked me over and there it was, the product that would change my life - in the flesh! I looked over the bottle and decided after a time, what the heck, I was going to buy it. Sometimes I get eager and excited to try new supplements after I’ve researched them, in the hopes that they will improve my life in some way. I don’t buy clothes or many luxury items, as I don’t have much money. (I’ll refer to this issue at another time.) But I like to occasionally buy a new supplement as long as I’ve researched it.

Happily I purchased the plain but professional looking bottle. (Very different again from the hoaky design of the online bottle that’s advertised everywhere and that I finally recieved all too late)

I picked my mom back up and we stopped at McDonalds. I (again, I have to assert - don’t do anything that I do! You should never take an unfamiliar pill for the first time, while driving) got eager and ordered a water and popped the first Resveratrol pill I would ever take. This was May 27, 2009.

Well, after about a 15 minutes of driving with my mom, we stopped at Walmart where I was to pick up my prescription Zoloft. I was beginning to feel a bit strange. Tingling in my head. A little bit buzzed, almost. I asked my mom when we got back into the car, if she could drive. She did and I carefully observed what was happening to me. Now, you have to understand that I am particularly astute to listen to my bodies sensations. People who are social phobic tend to be overly so. Social Phobia is part of my condition - and a particularly terrible part. But there are pros and cons to everything, and being able to notice subtle changes in the body is a valuable tool. So thank you social phobia for that!

Okay, I hate to leave you on such a cliff hanger, but I have to get outside and work at mowing the lawn to the estate (yes, estate. I’ll explain later). This is going to be an exciting weekend for me on this amazing farm. I can’t get into details, it’s hush hush. But when the time comes I will. So I hope you stay tuned. I plan on writing everyday that I can. I have a lot to tell about the time between the beginning and now and I will fill you in as I go.

Thanks for tuning in and I promise that it will be an exciting ride!

Take Care.
Jason